breathe me
by theway.youare13
Summary: The story takes place after season 7. Thirteen is back on the team and still has difficulty dealing with all she's been through. Cameron hasn't left the hospital. She still works at the ER. sorry for my english.
1. Chapter 1

PART 1 - _"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone."_ -

« She'll need you on this one » _that's what he says. He didn't explained himself and he had no intention to, but for once, he was pretty serious. I anyway tried to have more information. Why.. Me ? Just why ? I'm not Thirteen's friend. Not that I dislike her… but we've never talked I mean… I doubt she'll open up, and I have no idea what you want me to do for her.. We are so different.. _

House : Past is past, now, go and become Thirteen's friend, come on !

Cameron : House, we don't become friends just on demand… It's not the way it works and you know it

House : Make that happen, then !

Cameron : Not that I have the intention to obey you, but you could at least try to give me a good reason, couldn't you ?

House : Well… It's not fun if I tell you.

Cameron : Wait a minute, why are you humiliating all of us us all day long.. and suddenly care about Dr Hadley's privacy ?

House : She needs to trust somebody. It has to be you. And, as you don't have friends anymore since everyone seems to be on Chase's side, I suppose it'll keep you busy or at least save you from loneliness. I mean, how pathetic was your birthday party ? Let me guess… You, some ice-cream and your cat ?!

Cameron : I don't have a cat !

House : Worse that I imagined then. Anyway, you're going to help all the broken people except Thirteen ? You won't resist, will you ?

Cameron : It appears to me that the only one she kinds of trust is actually you, weirdly. She's just like you House, and if it is true that you care and that she has some big stuff to deal with, than I suggest you to help her, instead of asking me.

House, _ironically_ : I've got to do my clinic hours, if you don't mind ! Now if I'd be you, I'd begin with observing and find out what is wrong with her…

Cameron : What does that even mean ? Hey… where are you going ? and how am I suppose to do ? House !

_At the end of the day, Cameron was outside, in front of the hospital, waiting for Thirteen to leave work…. She's been thinking about her conversation with House all day long, and to be honest with herself she doesn't even know why she was there, standing in the cold.. but she was. A few minutes later, Thirteen finally push the door._

Cameron : Hey, Dr Hadley !

Thirteen : Hi.. hmm.. Hi !

Cameron : Had a good day ?

Thirteen : Sure… why are you asking ?

Cameron : I know it will sound weird.. but I was kind of… waiting for you.. No.. not what you think… I just.. wanted to talk to you..

Thirteen : What about ?

Cameron : Maybe you'd like to share a coffee or something ?

Thirteen : Well it would have been awesome but I am really tired... at the end of the day I just wanna go home and.. you know have some rest ?

Cameron : Oh I know what you mean.. Really ! Sorry for bothering you anyway ! Well, have a nice evening dr..

Thirteen : Wait ! Are you worried about me working with Chase perhaps ? Lately we've become closer... not close but we use to hate each other and now I suppose things are getting better but you don't have to worry.. I'm not interested in..

Carmeron, _interrupting_ : Stop it please.. No… It's not about Chase.. It's not about.. Nothing, you can forget it.. doesn't matter…

Cameron smiles but Thirteen feels something sad about Cameron's eyes… Not that she really cares, but she doesn't feel like leaving anymore… Now that she's sure Cameron's not trying to dig into her personal life, she decides Allison's not a threat. Why not hanging out with her..

Thirteen : As you want ! But I guess I'm not that tired and I actually don't mind having a drink or something.. if you still want to… Cameron… are you ok ?

_Cameron was trying to focus about what House wants her to do but it doesn't appear to her that Thirteen is weirder than usual.. Actually, she seems nicer than ever… _

Cameron : Yes ! I am.. Just… a stupid discussion with House this morning and..

Thirteen : Tell me about it, he has the power to get everyone mad.. but the worse is.. he usually is not far from being right.. Damn I hate that ! What did he say to you ?

Cameron : Not a big deal.. just.. some joke about my lonely birthday.. it's nothing.. but It makes me feel sad, I have to admit it…

Thirteen : You have a birthday ?

Cameron : Once a year, yes ! Why, don't you ?

_Thirteen and Cameron laughed while walking towards Thirteen's car .. They sat inside, but didn't move from the parking. Thirteen was not only listening Cameron but she couldn't stop herself from looking at her… Her sad eyes... Even her voice sounded broken… They weren't talking about anything important so nothing explained why Cameron seemed so vulnerable.. But Thirteen knows better than anyone else that when you have something broken inside of you, you can do your best to hide it, and most people won't notice it.. only a few person are able to feel the sadness even in a laugh… Thirteen didn't try to find out what was wrong though, she knew that when Allison would be ready she would open herself.. The discussion ended a few minutes after and Thirteen drove Cameron home, giving her her phone number… _

Cameron : I'll surely call you to go for a drink one of these nights then ! _Cameron smiled_

Thirteen : Sure ! It's been a while I haven't gone in some pub

Cameron : Well, thank you for driving be back..

Thirteen : It was nothing, really. _Thirteen smiled too._

Cameron : Have a good night Thirteen !

Thirteen : You have my number.. use it when you feel like to talk..

Cameron : I will.

_10 minutes after, there was a knock at Cameron's door._

_Cameron was already on pyjama, ready for bed… She opened the door anyway with a blushing face she couldn't hide. _

Cameron: Hey.. Uhm.. Hi.. What are you.. I mean.. wanna come in?

Thirteen: Let me take care of you

Cameron was definitely not understanding anything: I'm not sick, I don't know what you mean but

_Thirteen is not the very talkative king of girl. She just gave her friend a look that explained everything she couldn't tell with words. _

_Cameron doesn't seem to undersand, but she lets Thirteen come in and they sit on the couch. Thirteen, slowly, began.._

Thirteen: I'm sure you're the kind of girl that can't stand loneliness.. I'm sure.. you're the kind of girl that takes her left hand in her right hand and pretends someone's here for you.. I'm sure you stroke your hair, alone .. and wipe away your tears.. telling yourself.. that it is going to be fine.. Most of the time.. you don't think about yourself… too busy to think about the others… but… your birthday was just a reminder.. that you are alone. Was it?... Let me take care of you, tonight… don't ask me why… don't think I've got bad intentions just because I'm bi... Don't think about whether I care or not, whether we are friends or not… just let it go… let me… help you, tonight. I just feel like like doing it.

_Cameron dried a few tears on her cheeks, not hiding herself… She just got up and went to the kitchen.. When she was back on the couch she had a candle in her hand.._

Cameron: It's my birthday candle… I've made a chocolate cupcake.. I love chocolate.. and.. I just closed my eyes and made a wish.. I wasn't that sad.. I mean… Last year I was with Chase, so I didn't feel alone.. but.. I wasn't happier than now.. I just wasn't thinking about it.. I guess it's better being alone than with somebody you don't love.. It's nothing important.. How many people do feel alone?

Thirteen: I suppose more then we think

Cameron: It's not a big deal, really.

Thirteen: I haven't said it was one.. I just said tonight I wanna stay hear and fill a little of your emptiness.

_Cameron didn't answer. There was nothing to add. Thirteen doesn't seem to wait any answer anyway. She already decided she would stay there. For once, tonight, she didn't want to think about her own emptiness, her own pain… she just wanna forget she exists.. she just wanna help Cameron. Why? Because Cameron worth it… Allison, would feel better. One day. Just not today, but one day, she will. Thirteen would not feel better.. neither today nor tomorrow not next year. But tonight, she didn't want to crowl, again. Tonight, she just wants Allison to let go… She will catch her… _

Thirteen: Let's get you to bed.. I bet you haven't slept properly for so long that you can't even remember last time you did.

_Cameron thought that Thirteen was more talking to herself than really caring for her but she didn't protest. Thirteen is just like House. She says something and you can't tell her to stop… The only thing you can do is let her lead you and just appreciate the moment. You feel sad, but somebody is here, stroking your hair, listening to your breath, and taking your hand. Cameron, forgetting why House just asked her to take care of Thirteen, slowly closed her eyes and let her friend protect her. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Alison woke up sadder than that night before. She felt like bursting into tears, not controlling anything, just letting go.. But she didn't want to wake Thirteen who was at her side. She looked at her for a while. What's wrong with her ? Dis House really have a reason to ask Cameron to take care of Dr Hadley or was it just his plan to let the two of them become closer ? No… There must something wrong, something's always hiding behind House's games… But.. Allison didn't want to know what was hiding Thirteen. Yes, she wanted to, but not like that.. not if Thirteen didn't want to tell her… For now, she was only wondering why…_

Alison POV

Why did Thirteen suddenly care about me ? Why did she stay here last night ? She didn't try to kiss me or I haven't seen something like she wants me.. She doesn't look at me with desire… Was it… pity ? The idea disguted her a little… but even if it was, I never heard about Thirteen being the broken soul rescuer… It was.. My job actually… But now that I think about it… I haven't done it since .. since my last meeting with Chase, the night we talked… the night we said goodbye… I realised then that I've been lost for a while … I play the part of the loving and caring girl… But I do not want to be hurt anymore.. I don't want to love.. I just.. I don't know… I wish I would ! One thing is sure though, I hate loneliness. I wanted to find myself alone, to know who I really am and what I really need but I am just getting more and more lost every day, every minute.. I miss having friends and laughing.. and living. Yeah, I miss social life.

And suddenly, here comes Thirteen, who seems lik she knows me… But she doesn't… Last night was the first time we really had a conversation since we know each other. I don't even know her name.. and she's here, asleep next to me… She wanted to take care of me… What does that even mean ? She's been really nice, I have to admit it. I've always been to one who dries tears, the one who cares about people.. Not the one the people care about… If I close my eyes I can still feel her hand stroking my hair when I try to find some peace inside my heart… It felt.. good. More than Good. It was air for my lung. It was… I was feeling protected.. It's good to feel that someone care.. But does she ? I shouldn't even think about her or let her enter my heart. She'll hurt me. She surely will. And now I feel like crying hard.. because it's sad not having anybody. But it is sadder noticing that in front of you there's what you want and will never have…

External POV

_She was crying again without even noticing… but it wakes Thirteen up_

Thirteen _softly began whispering_ : Hey… why are you crying ?

_Cameron was trying to hide under the sheet but Thirteen soflty grab her wrist_

Thirteen : Allison what's wrong ?

Cameron_ trying to calm down_ : Nothing.. it's just a morning break-up.. _she smiled weakly_.. I'll be fine..

Thirteen : Of course you will ! _She tried to cheer her friend up, stroking her shoulder_

_Cameron began crying harder.._

_Thirteen moved closer to her friend and hold her with her arm_ : Shh… It's ok… you..

Cameron didn't allow her to go on and sitted herself, leaning her head on the top of the bed and Thirteen become silent, she was just looking at her, but not staring.. she wanted to let Cameron take her time…

Cameron : Why… Why are you here ?

Thirteen : It's doesn't matter, why.

Cameron : Yes, it does. I don't.. even know your name and you act like you care about me.. Why ? Why are you doing this ? Why are you here ?

Thirteen _hawked a little and tried her best not to answer coldly_.. : Well, Yesterday, I thought you were going to do your rescue-thing when you were in front of the hospital, but then I understand maybe you were feeling alone… Chase gave you a hard time doesn't he ? And the break-up was bad for him.. But he still have his friends… You.. I haven't seen you a lot around… I thought maybe you'd like a little company..

Cameron : It's nice of you.. but..

Thirteen : But I'm not allowed to be nice aint'I ? I am cold and bitchy and I only care about myself so why would I do something nice except if I wanna put you in my bed.. Is it the end of your sentence ?

Cameron : Actually, it's not… But if you think so.. _Cameron was a little upset by Thirteen's reaction but she could understand it at the same time._

Thirteen : We should get ready for work… _She was about to get up when she felt a hand on her shoulder, she turned to see Cameron's face_

Cameron : Thank you… for making me feel special.. _Her look was sad but filled with a little hope.. She meant what she said. You could feel it by the emotion in her voice._

Thirteen : Remy.. my name's Remy, _she simply answered with a smile. She woke up and walked out the room, but as she passed the door, she came a few steps back_

Thirteen : You actually are… special.. you shouldn't forget it.

_"Breathe me  
Every time you close your eyes  
Taste me  
Every time you cry  
This memory  
Will fade away and die"_


	3. Chapter 3

_Thirteen and Cameron were on their way to the hospital… While Thirteen was driving she heard her phone ringing and so she was trying to catch it with one hand, still focusing on the road.. She finally found the phone and answered in a reflex reaction without checking who the caller was… Cameron was also checking her phone so she wasn't paying attention about her co-worker… It is only when she noticed that Remy's call was already ended that she reacted.. She looked at Thirteen who seemed to be, maybe for one second, bewildered. It comes in Allison's mind that Thirteen hasn't even said goodbye to the interlocutor.. No.. except for the « hello », Thirteen hasn't say a word.._

Cameron : Is everything all right ?

Thirteen managed herself to look relax and simply nodded.

Cameron didn't know what to do.. It wasn't a big deal but maybe this call was linked to House's request so Allison thought maybe she should emphasise more.. But on the other side she knew that the best way to lose every possibility to become closer to Remy would be to meddle in her life without being invited.

There was silence for a while, which was a good way for Thirteen to concentrate on staying calm as she knew she'd have to deal with House and the team during the whole day.. But for Allison this tense atmosphere was difficult to stand and she found herself relieved when Thirteen began parking the car. Then, all of a sudden, she decided she wanted to be honest. If Remy learnt that Cameron's been plotting with House, she'd never trust her and she'd make no effort to understand the context. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't notice Thirteen was already out of the car.

Thirteen : Aren't you coming ?

Cameron : Can you please come back in ?, _she asked a little nervous_

_Thirteen became anxious too, but as always, her face wasn't showing any sign of emotion. She just nodded and sit again on the car._

Thirteen : What's the matter ?

Cameron : Not a big deal, just something I want to tell you. Well, no I don't really want to, but I feel I have to.. or no.. I think you'd like to know.. It would be better for us if I'm just honest and..

_Thirteen interrupted her, both impatient and amused by Cameron's attitude_ : Could you just come to the point ?

Cameron : Sure.. It's just.. I don't want you to fall out with me and.. Well I've done nothing wrong so

Thirteen : So you shouldn't be so worried ! Am I a monster ?

Cameron : No of course not ! Here it is.. don't interrupt me please… Well… House has been asking me to.. _she just couldn't tell her.. she took a deep breath_

Thirteen : To what ?

Cameron : To take care of you.. He said… maybe you could have some problems and he wanted me to.. anyway I don't know what he was talking about ! I swear he didn't tell me anything. I don't know what is wrong with you or if there really is somehting I should be worried about I .. I.. _She was becoming so nervous she wasn't able to end her sentence_

_Thirteen was really surprised of this declaration.. She wasn't mad but neither happy.. She knew it wasn't Cameron's fault but she also hated when someone accessed her private life.._

Thirteen : So.. was it the reason you were waiting for me yesterday ?

Cameron : I am not sure… Maybe.. I was curious.. But after 10 seconds with you I just forgot this feeling… You've been so nice to me.. I didn't expect you to.. _Cameron was trying to make eye contact but Remy was in her own world._

Thirteen : I first thought you wanted to enquire about Thirteen's latest gossip but then I noticed you didn't seem fine and .. stupid me… all that was a trick !, she said, annoyed.

Cameron, frankly : It wasn't. It. Just. Wasn't !

_Thirteen didn't answer.. She caught a nail file in her bag and began using it, arrogantly, in order to show how much she didn't care about the whole situation_

Cameron : Never mind ! You can be angry if you'd like to, you don't have to believe me, I don't care. Well, I do, but this is your choice. I know I am trying to be honest with you. And I can't hide you that I'm a little worried about House's request. I just wanna tell you, that, if you feel like talking.. for anything.. you can .. I am here. Just.. Remember I am here and I do care for you. But.. I'll not try to guess what's wrong or interfere with your life. Do not worry !

Thirteen : Fine !

Cameron : Are we… are you mad ?

Thirteen : I'm not. I appreciate your honesty. So.. Let's go working ?,_ she said with no emotion._

_Cameron nodded and they left the car without speaking. They didn't say a word until they split. Cameron didn't know how she should feel. On one hand, Thirteen said she wasn't angry.. and she may have appreciate Allison's fairness. But on the other hand, she looked bothered… Was she disappointed ? Or was it the call she received earlier ? Cameron was concerned.  
_


	4. Chapter 4

PART II -_ "A king who trusts no man is weak." -_

It's been two weaks since Remy and Allison's first attempt of friendship. They were still seeing each other, reguarly.. but never more than thirty minutes. They shared coffee, when they found the time, and have had a few small talk.. But Thirteen seemed to be distant again, in a way. « She is trying to protect herself from something » was Cameron's conclusion. During two weeks of observation, she managed to learn reading behind Thirteen's eyes. She was still far from being an expert though but she was able to see when something was wrong. Actually, Remy was talented to hide every sign of emotion except for one little detail that betrayed her : the little breath she held while rolling her eyes and the swallow that used to follow, just like she was eating some air. It almost seemed she was trying to fill herself up with something… just like she was letting the strengh in. And after that, she usually put back her neutral smile on her face as nothing happened.

Thirteen, for her part, began to really appreciate Cameron. She often asked herseld why. The blonde wasn't the kind of girl she'd usually feel compfortable with. But maybe she had misjudjed her. She first thought she was naive, credulous and cheesy.. She would now described her as altruistic, caring but not weak.. maybe broken.. but definitely not insipid. She had principles and was doing her best to honorate them. Of course, Remy wasn't sure if she could allow herself to let someone enter her life. That's why she kept her distance, but when the occasion arrose, she didn't mind spending a little time with her co-worker. She didn't want to admit it, but seeing Cameron actually lifted her mood up.

That morning, the two doctors hadn't met yet. Thirteen, hadn't slept well and wasn't in a good day. She was in the diagnosis room, reading the newspaper.. Or at least she checked out the headlines... Because every second she got distracted. Her mind was tormented and today she felt like anything could become the straw that broke the camel's back. Anyway, she took a little breath and swallowed, reminded herself to act cool and stay composed and most of all, to ignore any feeling in her heart.

Remy POV

_Take a breathe –don't break up- expiiire. Let's focus! I can do it. Come on once again: Take a breathe –don't break up- expiiire! How does Ally call it? Yeah, the morning break-up! Should have told her I so much know what she means. Why am I always thinking about her? Am I really calling her Allie in my head? I should stop talking to myself like that.. This is becoming insane. Well, I suppose it's better talking to myself than anyone else or than loosing control so go on Remy.. Take a breathe-don't break up – expiiire. It's going to be a long day._

_I thought I would feel better.. It's been three weeks now.. but every day.. every minute it gets worse.. I can't fucking breathe. No no no! Come on, don't think, you can't allow yourself to think.. Just keep on reading the paper and it'll be fine. Yes, it will. I think someone's talking to me but I didn't even notice I wasn't alone in the room. I have to be alert! I lift my head and see Chase taking off his jacket._

Chase: Rude morning! _He smiles._

Thirteen: It is!

_I manage a smile and pretend reading the newspaper in order not to be bothered.._

_Foreman has also arrived, followed by House. Ready, steady, go: I'll just be fine!_

_They begin talking about the new case and I can't concentrate. I check my phone, I try to look cool. A new message! I hope this will make my day brighter…_

**"I'm surprised you haven't changed number! Neither lock! Have you changed the bedding?! They smell just like you. Told you you were gonna pay. Have a nice day, Hadley!"**

_I cancel the text automatically and try to calm myself down. But I can't. I can't. My heart fastens and I can't control anything. I try to focus on the team. I look at them: Chase-Foreman.. I can't hear them.. I look at their lips and try to listen but no.. I just feel… My heart.. It hurts.. I can't control it, I'm loosing my temper, I, I .. Why are they all looking at me? I feel the anger inside me.. My heart will explode.. I clench my hand into fists and try my best not to .. fuck it, I can't!_

_Thirteen abruptly got up, furious:_ Why? Why are you staring? Damn! _She was almost shouting_

She violently punched the glass table, once. Then she grabbed it and took a few breaths, glaring the table. She punched it again. Harder, harder and harder. The bloody hand couldn't stop hitting the table. In her eyes you could see how enraged she was. Chase got up quickly, grabbed her from the waist and forced her to step back from the table. She refused Chase's hand on her body and tried to push him away but he was stronger than her and she finally had no choice than to move away..

Dr House: Page Cameron!

Foreman nodded and obeyed

Thirteen leaned again the wall and let herself fall on the floor.

_I can't fucking breathe, how could he do that? I feel like I'm about to cry, but there are no tears. I don't have tears, I only have ire inside me. My My heart… please, tell my heart to stop beating so fast.. I can't stand it anymore.. and why are they still here?_

Thirteen: Get out!

_The team didn't know what to do. They knew it wasn't a good idea the contradict her. They looked at House who nodded and then leave. House stayed inside the room, but he wasn't looking at her neither talking .. She needed some time for herself_ .

A few minutes after, Cameron finally came in.


	5. Chapter 5

« Sweety », she just said softly, kneeling down in front of Remy, who was now staring off into space.

« 'm …not, sweet », Remy weakly whispered with no emotion. Every single word she pronounced seemed to hurt.

House decided to let the two girls alone. He finally allowed himself to give a quick look at Remy's bloody hands, supposing she wouldn't notice, as she seemed to be in shock. Cameron gave him a quick nod, as to say she'd deal with the situation.

Remy was with the mounth half-opened, obviously in lack of oxygen. Her blue lips were dry and her heart was still beating too fast. Cameron attempted to lean a hand on her friend's shoulder but she pushed it away with no hesitation, still gazing. Cameron slowly tried again. This time, she delicately took Remy's hand in hers.

« I don't wanna talk », Remy articulated.

« You don't have to. » Cameron slowly began to rub Remy's blue fingertips. « But you're going in hypoxia and you have to let me help you. We have to improve your blood circulation.. Come on, try to slow your breath… »

« t'hurts »

« I know it does, but you'll feel much better after. You don't wanna me to bring you an oxygen mask, do you ? »

Remy mad a special effort to take a deap breath, « You're doing great ! .. go on ! », encouraged Cameron. She was trying to act as Thirteen needer her to be : warmly but not sweetly, firmly but not bossy. She was understanding but not stifling. Thirteen slowly managed to regain control of herself.

« Let's clear your wound » said Cameron, grabbing a first aid kit on the shelf.

Thirteen gave a side glance and sighed. « It's nothing ». She grabbed her own waist firmly.

« Right, but we don't want it to it to become infected. And you still have trouble breathing, we should just make sure everything's ok ».

Thirteen withdrew into herself. « It's fine. Thanks for coming » She attempted to get up but Cameron prevented her to.

« Listen, you'll feel dizzy, and I bet you don't want to pass out, with the guys still around, future gossips and stuff. So what about staying sitted for a little while and let me disinfect this. Then, I'll drive you home. You don't have to talk, you don't have to thank me, I don't expect you to be grateful and you don't owe me anything. Really. Just let me do my job. Can you at least trust me for that ? »

Thirteen take another deep breath, she felt like empty and unable to take any single decision, she felt lost and Cameron, who could feel it, gave her hand to the brunette.

« Deal ? »

« Deal. » Thirteen half-smiled. It wasn't genuine smile, it was the most hurting smile Cameron had never received.

**!HERE IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER!**

Allison POV (inside monologue)

She didn't say a word while I was taking care of her hands. Even so I used sterile saline solution to clean the blood, Thirteen grimaced in pain. This product doesn't burn so I'm worried she may have a broken finger. Hand bones are so fragile ! But I won't even share this thought, for now. I guess I'm lucky she's letting me disinfect this… I shouldn't ask for too much. I've never seen her like that, furiously strengthless. She couldn't wait for me to finish, I can tell it my the way she's avoiding my look by any means... I didn't need to tell her that I was done, she was already getting on her feet.

She would never admit it, but she didn't feel very comfortable on her sheking legs. I tried to act as I haven't noticed but I began walking at her side, just in case she'd lose balance.

« I can drive home by myself », Thirteen said, trying to look relax

« Don't you dare ! » Allison couldn't believe the brunette was even thinking about this possibility… « It's not the deal » She added, ligthening the atmosphere.. or at least, try.

In the car, Thirteen seemed quiet, looking out of the window and sometimes closing her eyes. It was an illusion, though. The more Allison was getting close to Remy's apparment, the most Thirteen was panting…

Although worried, Allison remained as relaxed as she could. « Hey… what's wrong ? », she kindly said. Thirteen didn't answer, still looking out of the window car, fiddling with her hair.

« We're almost there, you'll soon be able to rest ! Try to think about something nice ». Cameron parked the car.

« Please… I.. » Thirteen shook the head, trying to catch her breath. « Can you…. I.. » The words didn't came.. She closed her eyes and let a single tear run on her cheek. She soflty felt a finger drying it. Allison's gesture was as light as possible but Thirteen's anxiety was still noticeable.

« You don't want to go home, don't you ? », Allison tried, hoping she guessed right. As an answer, she received a faint sigh . « Let's go.. to my place ?... I'll make some tea ? » Remy remained silent, but her look brightened a little bit. « Or you could just use my bedroom and get some sleep, I won't.. disturb you… Whatever you want.. !» Allison warmly smiled

« I .. don't want.. to.. »

« Hey, look at me » Allison sincerly said. She turned Thirteen's head and catch her attention. « You. Never. Bother. Me » « I wish you could just let me take care of you and consider me a friend, tell me what's wrong with you and accept my help, but I know you can't for know. I know you just don't believe that I really care for you or god knows what's on your head ! Allison rolled her eyes and took a little pause..

« It doesn't matter… I get it… » she soflty added, not wanting Thirteen to feel guilty, « But you don't … » She interrupted herself, with a proud look. She found a decisive argument !

« Do you really think I would have drive you home and leave you alone ? So, what difference would it make for me, if we go to my place ? »

Remy opened the mouth to answer but she couldn't think of what to say.

«So, let's go to my apparment ? How does that sound ? », Allison finally asked with a smile of complicity

« Sounds good », Thirteen simply whispered, ashamed of accepting help, but relieved, in a way.


	6. Chapter 6

I've post the second part of chapter 5 two days ago. I'm not sure if you have seen it :). And here is chapter 6. Thanks for the review. You're really nice!

* * *

« Come in, make yourself comfortable » Cameron leaded Remy in the living room. She was confused, she didn't want to slip up and be balked. Thirteen was increasingly nervous as she looked at her shaking body.

« It's not what you think, Remy. You're nervous and… you are a doctor, you know what a breaking-down is.. Thirteen sighed. « Let's not talk about that…. But.. you're ok..these tremors aren't what you fear… that was my point. Just don't be scared… Thirteen nodded and tried to look serene even though she was exhausted.

« Why don't you try to get some sleep ? » Cameron gave a gentle slap on Remy's shoulder. « Let's get you into bed.. you'll feel much better after a nap » Thirteen didn't protest so Cameron helped her reaching the bed and gave her a short and a large t-shirt. Thirteen smiled to thank her friend and began to change clothes. She gave a glare at her shaking injured hands. Humiliation. She was ashamed of not being able to take off her pullover. « Don't be stubborn and let me help »

Thirteen comfortably lay down the bed. Allison was about to turn the light off. She wish she could also remove the guiltiness on Remy's face. « Do you need anything else ? »

« Allison… » A long silence followed. Remy was tense. « I'm cold » she admitted, hiding her face as if she asked the biggest favor of her life.

« Here you go » answered Allison tenderly wrapping the brunette into a blanket. She then sat in the corner of the bed and stroke softly Remy's hair. « Do you want me to stay ?

Thirteen couldn't stop being anxious. « I don't know », she just whispered.

« Well, let me ask again. Do you mind if I stay for a while ? » Thirteen shook her head. Allison lay down on her side. "Just close your eyes" .. Allison noticed Thirteen's pain expression. "Does your chest hurt?... You still have trouble breathing, don't you?" How could Allison not be worried?

« I went to jail »

Cameron frowned as she came closer to Remy, to let her know she was carefully listening.

« Don't look at me, please » Thirteen was about to share something private and it was such a big step for her. But she couldn't face Allison's eyes right now. « I'm sorry I just.. » Allison interrupted « It's ok…. »

Thirteen took a breath, and swallowed. Allison discreetly smiled as she knew it was Remy's attempt to take her courage and go on.

« I.. I killed my brother. …. I… I had to. I promised. and… I.. just did it » Thirteen told what happened with no emotion. Every word was detached and followed by a faint sigh. Behind « I killed my brother » Allison knew Remy was hiding an inexpressible pain, a suffering she wasn't ready to tell, for now. Remy share the facts, not the pain and Allison respected it. She simply hold Thirteen's hand, being careful not to touch her wound. She just grab her finger softly. Thirteen gripped tight for a second and then let go. It was her way to say she appreciated Allison's presence.

« It means a lot to me. You… talking to me.. It's… I do care about you and I hope one day, you'll trust me enough to let me take care of you as I wish I could do…. » Allison began rubbing Remy's back. Surprised, Thirteen startled at first.. but she soon get used to Allison's hand on her skin and she even thought it was helping her to breathe better.

« Close your eyes », Allison quietly murmured. « I know you'll probably laugh at me.. but I'm gonna tell you a story… » Thirteen finally was quiet.

« When I care, when I really care about somebody… I just.. close my eyes.. and with time, I can feel the connection… I.. don't know how to explain it.. I don't need people to tell me what they feel.. I king of.. feel it.. too. Some weird emotional connection.. It's hard, learning to read into you, though. You're really good at closing yourself. And of course, I don't pretend to know you.. or anybody… I can be wrong… maybe it's just some stupid idea I have.. but I do feel things… and…. I just can't ignore it… »

Remy was curious.. she wanted to know more about Allison's power of feeling things. And at the same time, she didn't. What if… she really was able to read into her… ? Remy wasn't ready for that, but she had to assure herself that she wasn't defenseless in front of the other doctor. « And… what do you feel, about me ? »

Allison was sure Thirteen would have asked, that's why her answer was already ready in her head. « Well… I think… I'm honored… you told me about your brother… I know how much it's hard for you to open up… and so, I try to respect your privacy the best I can.. But.. I do not think your brother was the reason of today's nerve breakdown.. Don't answer… I know… you don't want to…. And I'll not force you. I just want you to know… that when you'll be ready… I'm able to hear it…

« I can't talk » was all Remy could emotionless answer.

« Don't worry about that sweety… »

« I'm not sw »

« Shhhhhhht….. » interrupted Allison. She hold Remy close to her.

« Go to sleep… I'm here… I'm right here… you have nothing to fear… »


	7. Chapter 7

hey... I have to read it again cuz there are mistakes I'm sure but I wanted to post it before leaving .. I wanted to thank you for the review I apreciate it and also thanks to the "guest" who lighten my day with nice comments. :)

* * *

Allison was reading some magazine that was lying around Remy's coffe table… But she was above all trying to relax a little… She was worried. She had never seen Thirteen like this before. She thought about when she found her in the diagnosis room, empty and shocked. Was all that happened linked to House's request to become Thirteen's friend ? Probably, she thought, but it didn't matter for now. Now, she really cared about her. She wasn't doing it because House asked her to, and she wasn't angry with House because, she knew he was worried, too, in his own way. He was just like Thirteen, unable to express what he felt and he tried to do what was best for her. That's why he asked Allison to take care of her. Allison was exactely what she needed.

A sound catched Allison's attention. Without thinking twice, she headed towards Remy's room. She soflty knocked on the door before going in. This was the kind of details that would allow her to gain Remy's confidence… Showing that she respected her privacy was crucial. After that, she opened the door to find Remy half asleep, crying. Allison came closer and she first brushed Thirteen's arm to let her know she was there. Thirteen shuddered and began crying harder. Allison seated in Remy's bed, leaning her head against the wall behind the bed. She was as close as Remy as she could be and began comforting her. Remy seemed tortured, devasted and even then, she was containing herself, trying to stop the tears and to get rid of her feelings. Allison placed her hand on Remy's neck and rubbed her, warding off the tension in her muscles and coercing her to nod off.

When she opened her eyes again, Allison felt her nuchal rigidity back and began rubbing her again « It's ok sweety… you have to let go… it's ok to let go…. Just relax … Remy was upset of not being able to stop the tears.

« It's ok to cry Rem… just let it go…. easy… don't keep everything in… » Remy was freezing, Allison could feel the icy skin shivering on her hands as she was doing her best to give her friend some reassurance…. « It's ok sweety….. I'm here »

« I… I'm… I » She couldn't speak, the deep sobs were taking her breath away « I wish you knew… but… I can't… » She covered her eyes with her hands « I can't talk … I don't want to… I … » She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, calming down a little.. « I can't », she finally said, looking straight into Allison's eyes.

« What if… I talk ? Would it be easier for you ? »

Thirteen stared at the blonde unable to answer.

« You answer if you feel like to, otherwise, I'll just stop. Don't pressure yourself ! » Allison was reassuring. Again, Allison didn't receive any answer, but Thirteen had still her eyes on her and seemed quiet so the blonde took the initiative.

« Did he hurt you ? » Allison simply asked.

Allison POV.

She shamely nodded. She just nodded and then turned herslef on her side, so that I couldn't see her face anymore. She just let me know I was right before closing herself again. I couldn't blame her. Three weeks ago, we barely knew each other. And now, I am here, next to her and she just shared on of her darkest secret. « Shared » is a big word. But she trusted me enough to let me enter into her life. I don't know who the « He » that hurted her is I don't know what happened. I don't know anything, actually. But I know that I will soon be informed. She opened me a door and now, I am here staring the ceiling of her bedroom, and she's probably waiting for me to do something. I should comfort her or say something. But I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. She opened me a door and I am standing in front of it, unable to come in. I shouldn't be the one crying, now. I really shouldn't. But it hurts inside my soul. I have no idea who dare hurting Remy, but I swear I won't let him win. I can't stop the tears that are coming.

I feel a hand taking mine. She holds it close, trying to cheer me up. She's still on her side. She doesn't want me to look at her, I can tell it by the way she hides her face under the cushion. But she shyly takes my hand and this is the sweetest think I've never seen.

« M'sorry », she finally whispers in a sigh.


	8. Chapter 8

_Sorry I haven't updated before!... This chapter is longer than usual, so I hope you can forgive me :) Thanks for your comments, I appreciate your reviews and I really try my best to improve my english.. I hope you'll enjoy reading. It's a little bit different than the other chapters... But I'm not telling more... just read and you'll see.._

* * *

Tonight, she just wanted to relax and a spliff was perfect for that. She was cosy, on her couch, some candles on… a glass of wine. She took the first drag. She smiled. Her heart began to beat faster. She loved that sensation. When she smoked, it was like she turned her brain off and her heart took the control of the trip. She never knew where it was going to take her, but if she wanted it to be a nice trip, she just had to trust the heart and let her mind go where it wanted to. Every emotion was intense. Nothing was under control and it was the only way for her to let her feelings guide her thoughts. That's why she hadn't smoked marijuana for a while. And that's why she only smoked when she was home and alone. She wouldn't take the risk to open to somebody or tell things she wasn't supposed to. Tonight though, it seemed the only thing she wanted to do. A nice trip far far away from the reality.

Another drag and Cameron was in her head. The first emotion she felt : fullness. It was just like an evidence to her now. Cameron filled the emptiness in her heart and in some way, she made her feel protected. She smiled again. And then she had a little loud laugh because she thought she surely looked stupid being here sitted and lauging alone. Nevermind ! It was another side of smoking… She couldn't concentrate and every little detail was important until she forgot what she was firstly thinkg about… « Yeaaaaah Cameron … I should have tell her something to let her know she helped me … Cameron was trying her best and she really has been great and I appreciate her presence and to be honest I don't even know how I would have done without her. To be more honest I still don't know how I will do without her… I would have stayed in her bed forever. Gosh, I really have to stop talking to myslef » She laughed again and before beginning to become anxious of being alone again, she took a sip of wine followed by one more drag. If felt so good. Without thinking of the consequences anymore, she took her phone and sent a text.

« Thks…. M'sorry.. 4 everything.. -13. »

She hoped she would soon have an answer.. If there was a chance she could open up, it was now or never. Smoking is a little bit childish and cliché but.. she couldn't help it… she loved the the new perspective a spliff could bring to a situation… New ideas, new explanations, new feelings… a new way to deal with a problem… Of course, smoking wasn't smart, but at least, it helped her to understand what was going on in her heart.

Cameron was at work. When Thirteen left her appartment, she took a little nap and then got herself ready, she decided to take the evening shift as she missed the daily one taking care of her friend. She wished Remy had stayed, but she couldn't force her. « At least she let me help her this morning ». Allison was worried, though. She couldn't stop hearing Remy telling her she was sorry. How the hell could she be sorry when she didn't do anything wrong. Allison knew something really bad happened to Remy. It was the first time she saw her unable to deal with something. Even House was worried. Cameron did her best to let Thirteen out of her head, at least the time she was working. She would never forgive herself if something happened to a patient because she was absent-minded. Fortunately, the ER was quiet, that night. Allison was taking a break when she noticed she got an SMS.

T « Thks…. M'sorry.. 4 everything.. -13. »

A « Sweetie, stop saying you're sorry and please don't thank me, I really care for you, I wish you could believe me ». Allison smiled although she was sad, in a way. Remy's lost eyes were on her mind. Remy's beautiful scared eyes.

T « I'm not thanking you for what you did, but for what you make me feel. I'm so used to be alone ! I don't even know what it's like to be hugged anymore. For one second, you make me feel like I wasn't empty. It means a lot to me, I'm just not good at showing it »

A « I wish you didn't left today. You could have stayed in my bed.. You could have rest… I know you didn't want to go back home… »

T « That's right, I didn't. But I had to. Don't worry. I feel fine now. »

A « Do you ? What are you doing ? » Allison took a sip of her coffee and was now curious. How come Remy was telling her what she felt ?

T « Nothing much…. I'm watching T.V…. a glass of wine… »

A « Lucky you.. can't wait to leave tonight … can't stop thinking of you…and I'm tired.. It's a long long day ! »

T « Now.. you wouldn't like to be with me, trust me ! »

A « Oh, and why wouldn't I ? » Allison wrote back, worried. She was sure something was going on..

T « I'm so high, you have no ideeeeea »

A « Thirteeeen ! ×̯× »**  
**

T « Just like I said… now you wouldn't be here .. and it is better like that… Saint Cameron… forget it ! »

A « Oh baby you shouldn't think you know me, cuz you don't… » She didn't feel offended, she knew Thirteen was just nervous

T « ?... »

A « I'm not mad cuz you're high…. I'm just worried… that's all… I wish you could tell me what's going on with you… I wish.. you just trust me enough… instead of hiding yourself… »

T « 'm not hiding !»

No answer. Ten minutes after, Thirteen checked her phone again, but she didn't receive any sms, so she tried writing again.

T « Please, don't be angry »

Still no answer. Thirteen panicked. « She's hating me now. I shouldn't have texted her. I shouldn't tell what's on my mind. I shouldn't look for somebody to understand me. I shouldn't... », she murmured. Bad thoughts were beginning to take control. « No, no, no… don't bad trip Rem » She light her spliff on again and took a few drags. She began to relax again, closing her eyes for a while. This time, she couldn't control her brain. She took her phone and wrote… without thinking of the consequences, she just wrote everything was coming to her mind.

T« Please don't be mad ! »

T« I just wanted to let it go, just like you said »

T « I wish I could sleep… I couldn't sleep since.. what happened »

T « It doesn't matter… that's why I don't want to talk about it… It's not important.. »

T « Ok, be mad ! ..but forgive me.. » Remy didn't pay attention to the tears running on her cheeks

T « Forgive me please ». She was so blazed it was hard to even light her jay up. Thirteen inhaled the smoke and swallowed it before blowing back.

T « Fine you wanna know ? I'll tell you, cuz I know you won't forgive me. I know you won't talk to me anymore so… I'll just tell you and maybe you'll understand.. and then we won't speak again ! Then, you'll just forget about me and I'll just forget that I need you. »

T « Cuz I don't »

T « I do not need anyone »

T « I'm a big girl »

T « A big big girl »

She kept the smoke on her throat as much as she could, before smoking back, coughing. She wasn't crying anymore. She didn't have the energy to. She was quiet. It took her forever to write the next sms.

T « I got back home that night, and the next thing I can remember is being tied to my bed »

T « He hurt me »

T « Than I was alone again. I woke up. Just like nothing happened.

T « I couldn't even believe it DID happen »

T « But it's not a big deal »

T « It really doesn't matter. It was 4 when I woke up… I stared the ceiling for an hour, than took a shower and went to work. I acted like nothing happened »

T « It's not important… not important…. So… let's not talk about that »

T « Actually… we aren't »

T « I'm just… talking to myself… and I don't care what you think.. I don't care… Cuz I can handle this you know… I'm sorry for today… I don't know why I couldn't control myself… I don't know why… in front of all the team… I wanted to understand.. I wanted to feel something… That's why I smoked, tonight. »

She took about an hour to write the last sms. She was exhausted. She didn't even know why she tried to take a few more drags.

T « You're been too nice.. I don't want you to be nice… I can't get used to that… I'm a big girl… »

T « Sory… far everythidg… I a sarrry »

T « Trulys sorry… Don't worrys…. We will forget everythhing… this neve happend. Thank you Allison, 4takin car of me. I just dondeserv it… Idon need it…m ok now… nothing matters »

An hour after, Cameron was in front of Remy's door… She rang… knocked… rang the bell again… then decided she had no other way then picking the lock. Fortunately, she practiced enough when she was working for House and managed to enter into Remy's appartment in no time. She found her friend on the couch, sleeping, the phone on her stomach and the stick on her hand. Cameron grabbed the joint, light it up, took a drag and stubbed it out into the ashtray.

« Come on baby, let's take you to bed ». Cameron gave a soft kiss on Remy's forehead before getting her up by the waist

Thirteen was now half awake. She licked her lips, her mouth was dry and it was difficult to talk or keep her eyes open « Cam, is that you ? » She mumbled

« Yes sweetie, It's me.. come on… lean on me »

« I can walk » she cooly said on her way to the bedroom. In no time she was curled up on the bed. Cameron took place behind her and hold her as close as she could. « sweet dreams baby »

« I'm a big girl »

« Of course you are ». Allison kissed her neck, she couldn't prevent herself to place a hand on Remy's chest, feeling Remy's fast heart beats caused by the weed. She quickly took her hand off though, not wanting Remy to feel uncomfortable. She hugged her from behind and in no time she felt the brunette relaxing in her arms and falling asleep.

« You're not alone Rem » Cameron whispered even though she knew her friend couldn't hear her. She began to cry silently. She was devastated.


	9. Chapter 9

"Cameron can you please open that door ? " Remy whispered.

Allison tried to dissimulate her teary voice with a happy tone. "am comiiing!"

"Listen, don't act like a child with me. You've been in the bathroom for more than half an hour. I gave you your time, now I need you to open this fucking door. I am sorry ok? I didn't mean to disappoint you. I don't know why I told you so many things so let's just please forget it and…"

Thirteen's monologue was suddenly interrupted. Allison finally opened the bathroom door. Until two minutes ago, she didn't want Remy to see her sorrow. But at that point, she didn't try to hide her tears anymore. She just opened the door and showed herself like she was: puffy eyes, hurt, sad. " So you think I am mad at you?"

Remy didn't look at her. "I just said I was sorry. For the spliff. Well not, for that I'm not. I do what I want during my free time, right? But I mean I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…

"Remy can you just stop!"

"Of course let's just not talk about it so please get out of…"

"Can't you just fucking listen?"

To say Remy was surprise to hear Allison speaking that way was obvious, even Allison found herself astonished. At least, she caught Thirteen's attention. She sat against the wall and took Remy's hand, inviting her to do the same.

"Sorry I didn't mean to be rude. I just want you to listen carefully. I… I'm not mad sweetheart.. Not angry at all.. am… I didn't see your last messages because of an emergency. I had to leave my phone and.. When I looked at it again I.. Just wanted one thing. Come here and hug you.. and take care of you and…"

Cameron couldn't stop the tears that were falling. Remy was as cold as she managed to seem. "I'm sorry I shouldn't be the one crying here… I didn't want you to see me weak now that's why I was locked here. I am not mad at you. You get that?"

Thirteen weakly nodded while Cameron was nervously playing with Remy's fingers. They stayed quiet for a while. They both needed time. Cameron wanted to help Remy the best she could but didn't know what she was supposed to do now. Thirteen was looking for a way to cancel everything she said. She hated herself for opening up so easily and just telling what happened to her.

After a few minutes, Cameron decided they had to move from the bathroom floor. She led Remy on the couch but she refused to follow her and went in her bed, instead.

"Talk to me, Rem"

"I think you should leave". She was staring the floor, carelessly.

"I won't". Allison was too worried to leave, neither wanted to. She had to stay , she needed it. Remy sighed. She seemed bothered by Cameron's presence and was trying her best to make Allison feel uncomfortable, hoping she would give up soon and leave her alone.

"I won't leave Rem. I don't care how obnoxious you're being. You won't throw me out, will you?" She raised an elbow and gave her a daring look.

"Actually, this is my apartment so…." Even if she really wanted to be alone right now she didn't want to hurt Allison and suddenly realised that she was pushing the limits. "But don't worry, you can stay if you want to" Allison felt satisfied but it only lasted a few seconds. Remy went in her bedroom and came back dressed up to leave. "You can stay. I'll go. Make yourself at home" Without adding anything she quickly walked towards the door and Allison had to grab her arm firmly to prevent her from leaving. "Just let me go" Remy was trashing around. "Please stop touching me". She pushed Allison strongly and regretted it as soon as she did it. She stood in front of the door, the mouth half-opened and staring Allison, who came closer and hugged her. "Shhh… don't worry, it's fine. No sweet's, don't cry. Please it's ok, come here"

On the couch, Remy was quiet. She agreed having a cup of tea and her eyes were almost drowning on the beverage. Allison let her some time alone. She knew Remy would talk when she'd be ready to.

"am sorry"

"You really have to stop saying you're"

Remy looked Allison right in the eyes. She wasn't angry, neither sad, she was composed and ready to gave an explanation. "I am sorry I told you what happened"

Allison couldn't believe what she just heard.

"I'm sorry because.. I don't want to talk about it. Maybe… I don't know maybe later.. maybe never… But now… all I want… is forgetting."

"Remy baby, you know better than me it's not the way it works." For the first time, Remy didn't protest hearing she was called a baby. She still didn't like it but it wasn't the point, for now.

"Yeah, I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying that's the way I want to deal with that. I don't care what is the right thing to do. I just wanna do how I feel like to. That's why I shouldn't have told you all this. So if you could.. don't know… just forget it… I swear I'll be fine and"

"HOW?" Allison was angry now. Not only because she was disappointed to be repulsed once again, but she was hurt. She got up and began pacing up and down nervously. "Can YOU tell me how?" She insisted on the "you" pointing Remy. "Tell me, please, how I can forget that somebody I care for, somebody I like, somebody I feel linked to.. is walking through hell.. I am.. You have no idea how enraged I AM right now!" Remy was silently crying and Allison just noticed it, she kneeled in front of her and softly dried the tears with her thumbs. "Not with you", she whispered. "Am not angry with you" "I just wish he could pay for what he did. I…"

"You care more than I do. I didn't mean to put you in this situation, am sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for… and I will repeat it how many times as you need to understand it. You've done nothing wrong. You're just.. trying to deal the best you can. I guess I have no right to judge you. But you can't ask me to forget it. It is impossible. I do care for you Remy. Don't push me away."

"I just don't wanna talk about it"

"Fine. We won't. I won't ask a thing about that. When you'll feel the need to talk, I'll be here. When you just want some company because you're afraid to be alone, I'll be here."

"I'm not afraid.. I…" Cameron shook her head. "Ok, I guess sometimes I'm scared but.."

"It's okay to be afraid…" Remy took a deep breath. Being the weak one wasn't at all something she liked.

I just have one question….. may I?" Remy nodded, wanting to end this conversation as soon as possible.

"Do you know him?"

"not exactly"… "Listen it's… forget it…" She was uncomfortable again.

"Fine. …. Will he… do it again?"

"No. Don't think so. It was a revenge. It's over now"

"Ok baby… now you'll just go back to bed, because tomorrow… well… in 3 hours we have to get ready for work. Come…"

Allison POV

She doesn't think so. She doesn't think. She's afraid. She's broken. She will never admit it. Even to herself. But I'll not let her down. I won't leave her alone. How could he hurt her? How could somebody hurt Remy? Why? I know it will be hard for me not to break up every time I feel her pain. I can't help it. I feel her sorrow and it hurts me, but we will go through this together. I will never allow him, whoever he is, to hurt her again. Never.

"It's ok Rem… just close your eyes"


	10. Chapter 10

_Hey! it's been long since I haven't posted something. I am very sorry if some of you were waiting for something... but I guess you are not reading that much and are having a cool summer... :) anyway... if some of you want I can try to post something in 1 or 2 days... I don't mind. I guess there are lots of mistakes i'll try to correct them when I saw them... sorry for that. thank you... I appreciate people that follow the story... I have to admit I don't like begging for reviews because I write for my pleasure firt of all, but it is very nice to see what you think. so, again, thank you :)_

* * *

Remy was getting ready for work. Staring at the mirror, making sure her appearance was perfect, she tried her fake smile. She sat on her bed, sighing, when she felt a hand on her shoulder cheering her up. « What's wrong ? » the blonde asked.

« It's nothing.. I…. Do I look ok ? » Remy asked back.

« I don't care how you look ». Cameron gently smiled, giving also a look at her image on the mirror.

« Yeah, but I do. So, do I look fine ? »

« If you want to know if perfect strangers can notice your fake smile, I'd say no. If you're asking if the team will harass you with what happened yesterday, then I think you already know the answer. »

Remy rolled her eyes. « I don't like the way you read into my mind. The story about your superpowers is true then ? » Sarcasm was Remy's speciality.

« They care, Rem »

« You do. They are curious, that's all. I don't own them anything. » Remy was becoming a little bit aggressive.

« That's right, you don't. they're curious and if one of them had a nervous breakdown just right in front of you, you'll have the same reaction. »

« Let's NOT talk ab..

« Sorry. What I meant was, just don't worry about them. They don't want you any bad, believe it or not. And if you ask for my advice I

« I didn't ask for your… »

« Ssssh… I suggest you to take some days off and..

« I don't need days off.. I need to be busy… I need to work more and think less »

« The more you try to control your mind, the more your body is letting you down, haven't you noticed ? »

« No I.. » Remy protested again.

« Stop lying. I'm ok to let you deal the way you feel like to. But do NOT lie to me. I can't stand it. »

Remy got up quickly, gazed her own eyes in the mirror a few more seconds and grabbed her jacket. The door handle in her hands, she felt her lungs shrink in her chest and she had to focus on finding air. She was feeling hot even though she began sweating. Oxygen was harder and harder to get and instead of calming herself down she couldn't stop gesticulating. She walked near her bed again and kneeled down in front of it. A few seconds later she was playing with the wardrobe's door then in no time it seems like she couldn't contain her anger anymore. Her fist was impossible to control even though her hand still hurt like hell.

"Breathe out Remy, " "Come on.. easy… it's fine.. it's ok…." Allison was worried but confident around Remy now. No hesitation, the blonde took her friend by the arm and forced her to sit on the edge of the bed. She took Remy's elbows and leaned them on the brunette's legs. She took a cushion and hand it to her friend. "Tighten it… hard." .. it's ok just.. hold it… aren't you stronger than that.. come on. "

Remy's fit of anger didn't scare Allison at all. She encouraged her the best she could to empty the rage she had inside herself and once she felt Remy's breath was easing down she placed her hand on her shoulder. "it's over now…. It's ok…. Close your eyes for a while". Remy didn't move and did what was told until she felt relaxed.

"You should leave"

"it's me or is it a déjà vu?" Allison gently smiled. "I am not having this conversation again. Allison added: "You can't go to work. What if you lose your temper with a patient."

"You know it won't happen"

"Let's say that I'd like you to slow down for a while. Rem, I'm not against you.. I don't know how you feel and thrust me respecting your decisions right now is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. You don't seem to notice."

"I didn't ask you to.."

"Stop being bitchy every time I hurt your feelings. I'm nice, not heartless."

Remy gazed at her.

"I know you don't make it on purpose sweety but you really have to understand how much I care for you." Allison sat down next to Remy. "you don't want to stay alone, right?"

"I don't mind but… I need to get up an.."

"No babe, you don't. Remy listen something is wrong and I don't like it."

"What? What do you mean? I… feel better…. Just… go to work and if you want I'll stay here and…."

"No. You're hiding something. I really don't like the feeling I have right now."

"Ally you're getting paranoid.. I'm fine… well…. You know what I mean"

Allison stared Remy. She hesitated. Then softly, slowly, put a hand on her lower belly "Do I have to add something or have I guessed right?". Remy startled and tried to take a deep breath, afraid to have another panic attack. Could she make more a fool of herself that she already did?

"Hey…. Shhh…. Let's stay quiet…will we…?

Remy whispered, looking anywhere except in Allison's eyes. "I don't know… I don't think I'm pregnant."

"But you didn't take E.H.C when it happened, right?"

Remy just shook her head.

"Listen…. You already have too much weight on your shoulder right now. Let's just buy a pregnancy test. I'm sure we can fix it in no time and it'd be something we don't need to worry about anymore."

"What if it's not? Just leave it, Cam. I don't wanna…."

"You don't want to face this. You don't want to face what happened. You're just a coward."

Remy coughed and was about starting to shake but she tried her best not to.

"Come on…. You can't go on like this… what kind of life is it? I can't stand to feel your pain …. I can't stand to feel you….. remy… " Allison said with teary eyes. "One step at the time. You're gonna come with me to the hospital"

"No way we…" Remy objected.

"Ssssssh! You wait for me in the parking car while I talk to Cuddy. I can't lose my job."

"I can't lose mine neither"

"Don't worry for that. Then we buy a test, and as soon as we solve this problem then we go for a walk in the park. And you offer me ice-cream, haha"

"I … what?"

"Yes, vanilla and coffee. Mmmh and maybe chocolate, too" . Allison was really good to cheer up the mood, Remy had to admit it. She suddenly even felt stronger. And happy. Why was she suddenly happy? She hadn't felt that good for two weeks. It was just an illusion, maybe, but this happy feeling was definitely real, even if it was transient.

"Ok. Let's do it."

Allison couldn't believe her ears. Did Remy just agree on something?

"But on one condition"

"I knew it couldn't be that easy" . Allison jokingly pretended to be upset

"Let's first have an ice-cream, then I'll do the test. I need to have some good time. I need it first.

Remy's pleading eyes won.

"I bet I can guess what your favourite flavour is before we reach for the car." Allison was happy to see Remy finally smiling. It wouldn't be for long. But it was the first real smile she discerned on her face these last two days. She almost forgot how beautiful Remy was when she bit her lips. Allison had a bad feeling, though. She just let it apart, and decided to use Remy's technique. Let's not worry and just carpe minutam.


	11. Chapter 11

Hi!... I'm not sure if I should go on or not... it's awkward... anyway... I hope you'll enjoy it... and let me know what you think, if you feel like. :)

* * *

Thirteen's expression was neutral and composed.

« It's not a big deal. I'm within the time limit for the abortion pill, so please, please, please, I am begging you, let me do this alone. »

Allison didn't know what to say. She just stare the brick wall in front of her. No words came. She didn't have the strength to present her arguments. Respecting Remy's desire was beyond her capability. « No. »

« Listen… I »

« No, I won't listen. YOU listen. We are not even talking about that. You can hate me for the rest of your life, fine. Once it's over, I can disappear of your life, it that's what you want. Now, we are doing like I say »

« You can't force me. Just… it's hard enough already so please don't.. » Thirteen had already rebuild a protection wall. She couldn't afford to break up now.

« Oh, is it hard ? I thought it wasn't a big deal ? » Allison sarcastically added. « Are you sure you want to abort, you should take more time to.. »

« M'sure ». Determination in her eyes and voice was undeniable.

Allison tried to sound calm. « Fine then. Tomorrow we'll »

« No, not tomorrow. Now. » The threatening voice Remy used made Allison jump a little. « Four hours ago I was a coward and didn't want to face it and now you're arguing because I want to settle this as sooner as I can ? You're beginning to get on my nerves do you know that ? »

« I'll go and take you the pills then. You know how it works, right ? You can take one today, and then have to wait two more days to take the second and let the things happen… so…. You wanted to erase it and do your « nothing happened » thing quickly? Well… not possible. So…. I'm gonna leave you some damn time alone now and you're gonna think about all this."

Allison grabbed her bag and left, without looking back at Remy. But the fist she did once sat on her car was texting the brunette.

_« And don't forget to call me if you don't feel good »_

_« Please »_

_« It's gonna be ok, Rem »_

3 messages without an answer, not that she was expecting one. She didn't know if her reaction was appropriate, but she truly hoped the last few weeks spent with Remy would mean something to the other girl. She didn't know why she was feeling the need to help Remy, but she couldn't fight it. She felt linked to her.. co-worker… friend… more ? Allison couldn't explain.. but it was a strong feeling… a mind connection.. and she was decided to help the young girl by any means.

Allison POV

I hope she's ok, I hope she's ok, I hope she's… gone. Her apartment door wasn't locked. It wasn't even well closed. I just had to push it to come in. « No, no, no, no don't tell me ». I ran into the bedroom. No sign of life. « Remyyyy ! …. Rem's ! » I yelled. No answer. I checked the bathroom, but I already knew it was useless. Remy wasn't home. I suppose she's been in some bar trying to forget… I should never have left her alone… damn !.. I went in the kitchen… looking for some clue… where could she be ?.. I didn't know the pubs she ….. Suddenly, I saw a post-in, near the fridge. My name is written in big letters.

ALLISON,

_Nobody tells me what I should do or not do. I'm wrong… so.. Let me be wrong._

_Thanks for everything, though._

_Sincerly -13-._

No, no please no ! You can't do that. You can't just disappear. Don't you fucking care about how people feel ? you're selfish. You just don't worth it. I couldn't stop the tears falling from my eyes and I already regret what I just thought. I have to find you. I have to convince you.. I have… I don't know what I must do.. I… The only person that can actually help me now… House.. I have to see House.

Allison didn't think about it twice and made her way to House's office.

* * *

_« House what do you want ? »_

_« Thirteeeen-Thirteen, you were my number one ! Actually thirty-one but… never mind ! You know there's a thing called brain, it might be useful to turn it on sometimes »_

Thirteen hang up the phone but of course House called her again.

_« You know unless you want me to find you, which will be a bother for you and a waste of time for me, you should really listen…_

_« What do you want House, again ? » _she added in a calm and careless tone.

_« You're fired ! »_

_« Am I?»_

_« I'm kidding…. Just trying to bright the mood !... So what's up in your life since you disappeared ? Not that I care, but.. she does.. and since she isn't telling me what's going on it seems like I'll have to find out by myself… »_

_« Wait, Cameron came to see you ? »_

_« Yup »_

_« But she didn't tell you »_

_« Nope, and I'm upset. After all, I was the one who ordered her to be your friend. Shouldn't she at least update me ? You guys have no idea how expensive hiring a detective is ! Kids nowadays are so disrespectful !.. »_

_« Why ? »_

_« Tell me about it ! I had to send her cry elsewhere since she didn't want to tell me..»_

« I mean… why did you ask her to be my friend ? How dare you ? »

« Oh sorry, I have no time to chit-chat with you. Naked dolphin are waiting for me ! But you should definitely call Allison if you feel like talking.. and don't bother me again unless you have some good gossip to share »

House hang up with a malicious smile.

"she won't call me" Allison said. "She doesn't even answer me... why does she answer you of all people?"

"Give her time. And in the meanwhile, tell me what's the matter…. tellmetellmetellmetellmetellmeeeee!"

"Stop it House, please stop it." answered and exhausted and desperate Cameron. "And can you explain why you asked me to take care of Thirteen? She obviously doesn't want any help. You knew that it'd hurt me. What kind of lesson do you want me to learn from that story, tell me?" Allison didn't even know where were these words coming from? The sorrow she managed to keep inside these last days. Seeing Remy so vulnerable and being unable to help her was just too much.

"Don't know. It depends on what YOU want to learn. Either you admit that sometimes people should better give up. In this case be selfish, save your own ass and stop giving her hope. Or you decide that you have to prove Thirteen she's wrong. She doesn't want to bother you, you idiot! Anyway the choice is yours either you care or you don't but whatever you do, stop harassing me."


	12. Chapter 12

Hi guys! Yeah I know I don't even let you the time to read, I post a chapter yesterday and here is the new one. I've got another chapter ready but.. I don't know... it's not that I want to end it... I just found it's not that good. It's difficult because english is not my language and I feel like I could do so much better... but I would like to thank the "guest" that commented my story.. it's really nice and I am happy you like it :) .. so here it is... let me know what you think...

* * *

Thirteen was curled up in the king size bed of a motel. The more she stare the yellow and green flourish curtain, the more she was feeling sick. She decided to close her eyes, hoping it would ease the nausea. It helped a little until she felt like the walls were moving and this time she couldn't control it, she got up quickly and made it just in time into the bathroom. After throwing up, she rinsed her mouth out which made appear another wave of nausea but fortunately it disappeared soon. She washed her face and got back on the bed. Her stomach hurt and she began having cramps. It wasn't too painful but she had the feeling it was only the beginning. With her hand she tap the bedside table on the left side of the bed and grabbed her phone. She considered calling Allison but decided it was a bad idea. What would she say anyway ? Hi, it's Remy I'm sorry to be a bitch, would you mind coming over ? She couldn't do that. It wasn't right. She wanted to be alone? She had what she deserved, now. And she would make it, by herself. That's what she hadn't stopped repeating these last two days. The pain in her stomach was bearable but the nausea was hard to stand and she was getting distressed…

After 10 minutes of interior monologue she finally dialled Cameron's number.

« Remy » pronounced a worried woman.

« Actually, this is me » Sarcasm was automatic and she didn't know if Allison would laugh but Remy smiled weakly.

« How you are feeling ? »

« Not that bad… » Silence. She shouldn't have called. Now she was feeling guilty for pushing Allison away and guiltier for bothering her again. Her dry mouth refused to swallow.

« Wanna me to come ? » Allison gently asked, almost whispering.

Why Allison was making it so easy ? … Anyway, Remy didn't have the strength to fight with herself for now. "please"

Allison didn't like at all the raspy voice Remy was trying her best to hide. The brunette explained where she was and Allison promised to be there as soon as she could.

She was vomiting again when she heard a knock on the door. An ashamed feeling took possession of her mind. The door was tapped again and Remy hastened to clean herself and sprayed deodorizer in the bathroom. She stood straight and looked as casual as she could when she finally let Allison in but the blonde didn't have the time to speak that Remy had to rush on the bathroom again. She shut the door of the bathroom and Allison understood that maybe she'd wait a little bit before going in.

"Remy.. I'm coming in"

"Don't"

"Don't be silly". When Allison opened the bathroom door, she could see Remy was sipping water from the tap. Allison came close and got a hotel towel wet then gently placed it on her friend's neck.

Thirteen sat on the bed. "thanks for coming", she mumbled

"Lie down" Allison softly instructed. Thirteen lay on her side without saying a word.

It wasn't time to discuss of course. Allison had no intention to preach now but Remy was feeling uncomfortable.

"I brought you some codeine"

"I shouldn't take it… I haven't eaten much" Remy admitted.

Allison suspected she hadn't eaten at all but avoided commenting. "Fair enough. How long have you been sick?"

"Since I took the second pill… about an hour ago"

"Do you have cramps?"

"Not on the beginning but now it's getting worse"

"The nausea should lower soon then… abdominal pain?"

"It's bearable"

The medical talk was a little weird but in a way it helped Remy. She really didn't know what else to say and wouldn't have been able to bother Allison with her symptoms after having disappeared without giving news for two days.

"You know these are the side effects of the pills… but I want you to tell me when something's going on… you didn't have an ultrasonography so let's be careful.. or did you?"

"No.. I wrote the prescription myself… I signed with your name"

"You did what?... Allison sighed. Anyway… try to rest…close your eyes" Remy could tell that Allison didn't sound mad.

"No.. it's worse… I'm feeling dizzy"

"It's also a side effect, don't worry… I'll go and ask some sugar to the reception.. Don't let the panic control you… it's going to be fine…

30 minutes had passed and the abdominal pain was now intolerable. Remy set her teeth in agony, trying to control it. Allison was seated next to her, trying to be as useful as possible.

"Listen hon'" Allison gently tapped her shoulder

"Don't touch me" Remy answered, half crying from the pain she was enduring. "It's worse" she added, trying to explain she wasn't repulsing her but the touch caused her nausea.

Allison didn't take it badly. "If you want to control something, then focus on telling your brain to let go… you need to relax… the more you are tensed, the most you'll suffer… try it for me…. Take a deep breath and imagine you're in a pool.. you don't feel the weight of your body… you're as light as a feather…" Allison was murmuring and delicately petting Remy's head with her fingertips. "Does it help?"

Remy nodded weakly. "I need to get up"…

Allison helped her friend to go in the bathroom and they exchanged a meaningful look. Allison understood Remy wanted some privacy.

"I'll be right there if you need me"

Of course Allison was worried and in pain for her friend. But at least, she was with her and she would do her best to help Remy.

They went back and forth from bed to bathroom four times until Remy nodded, getting out of the bathroom. She showed no emotion in her eyes, except for the fact she was doubled up with pain. Allison came close to her and helped her finding a comfortable position on the bed. She covered Remy, who was exhausted, with the red hotel blanket.

"I stink. I need a shower" Remy half-smiled.

You'll still be bleeding for a while… Remy couldn't look at her friend, she felt dirty and shameful. She tried to move but was still writhing in pain, Allison could feel it.

" I'm proud of you"

"Let's just… not talk about it… all right?"

"I know.. what you're feeling right now, believe me"

Remy made an extra effort to face the blond. What did she mean by 'I know what you feel'.

"I was 18" she simply added. I didn't want you to do this alone.

"Were you… alone?"

"No no no… of course I wasn't… but… I know the feeling…. And I know whatever I could just say wouldn't help for now… so… you are right… let's not talk… Try to rest and tell me when you have to get up... but I am really deeply proud of you"

"Ally… don't leave me" Remy closed her eyes… and searched for Allison's hand.

« Wash the poison from off my skin  
Show me how to be whole again »

(Linkin Park)


	13. Chapter 13

Hola! I won't update more for a while... because I don't know where this is going... anyway... here it is... let me know what you think if you want.. :)

* * *

Remy slowly opened her eyes. She looked at the time : 5AM. She had to go to the bathroom again and didn't want to wake up Cameron. Because of her, the blonde hadn't slept that night and she was feeling bad about it, but as soon as her feet touched the ground she felt a hand on her left arm. Allison opened one eye and yawned.

"Don't move, I can go there by myself"

After 5 minutes, Remy was back to bed, shivering and in pain.

"Are you still bleeding much ? "

Thirteen nodded. "Go to sleep… I'll be fine"

Allison came closer and hugged her with an arm. "You have a fever". She confirmed her theory, placing her hand on the brunette's forehead and then softly stroking Remy's hair.

"Damn!" Thirteen sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, placing a hand on her stomach.

"What is it?"

"It's cool… don't worry! I think I'm gonna sleep on the bathroom" Thirteen tried to joke, getting up for perhaps the thousands time. "I'm sooo sorry you can't sleep because of me"

"Well if I wanted to sleep I would have stayed home. Don't you think?" Cameron loudly commented so Remy could hear her from the bathroom.

Remy came back and apologised again, Cameron didn't even answer, she pat the empty part of the bad and Remy curled next to her. "What happened to you? I mean… when you.. got pregnant?"

Allison didn't mind talking about it but she wasn't sure now was the best time. "I'll tell you.. maybe tomorrow… now I want you to rest"

"My back hurts… my abdomen hurts… I wish I could sleep too… but I got dizzy every time I close my eyes…"

Cameron approved. "Tomorrow, once I'm sure you've eaten something, I'll give you some painkillers and you should feel better"

"Don't you work tomorrow?"

"I asked Cuddy for some days off. Don't worry about it"

Remy was surprised. "And she just .. agreed?.. with no explanation?"

"Cuddy knows me well enough and she trusts me"

"If I feel fine, I'll go to work tomorrow" Cameron couldn't believe her ears.

"Remy Hadley you are insane! Tomorrow, like you say, is in an hour… Do you think you can get up and go to work in an hour? Hahaha.. irresponsibility is not a side effect of the pill you know that?"

"I was just joking!"

"I bet you weren't" Cameron gave her a daring look

"We'll never know" Thirteen laughed and a second later she was curled in pain again. "Can't it stooop"

"Hey shhh… here…. Try to relax… It'll soon be over…"

"I'm really tired of this"

"I know sweetheart"

"m'not sw…" she half-closed her eyes

"But you're stubborn as a mule"

"And you're amazing as a rainbow". Cameron couldn't help but smile.

"Is it an expression?" she whispered, noticing Remy was falling asleep.

"Who cares" Thirteen murmured before letting the tiredness win.

Allison couldn't sleep anymore. It hurt to see Remy suffer. It wasn't fair. House was right. What's the use of helping someone who has gone through hell and convince that person that life worth it… and maybe, when this person will finally believe you, she'll die? How could she help Remy when she was so angry against the universe? Who could hurt her so much? Why? She understood it was too much for Remy and that she couldn't face it for now, but Allison could not understand why life was being so cruel… Silent tears were the only answer she had for now while she rested her hands on Remy's head.

"You're crying" the voice next to her pointed.

"'m not". She cleared her throat

"And you're lying"

"I thought you were asleep"

"That's not a reason good enough for lying"

"Don't worry about me"

"If YOU don't worry about me" Remy tried to sit but moving from a lying position was definitely painful.

"Let me help" Cameron took her firmly by the shoulder and supported her friend who was moaning in pain. She led her to the washroom. "Careful"

"I'm.."

"Don't you dare saying you're sorry again"

Thirteen smiled. "Well .. forgive me then"

"You smartass!"

"You know what? I'm gonna find us something to eat.. Will you be fine in there?"

"Cam… don't leave.. wait!" Remy's voice was different from before. She opened the door, bent down and staring the carpet

"Hon' what is it?"

"Nothing… Just stay here..! I don't need food!"

"But you'll obviously not be able to sleep until… It doesn't matter we're awake anyway..so I'll just go and.."

"You don't have to.. please… don't. Remy sat still staring the floor and Cameron could feel her friend was slowly losing it. She placed her nails near her mouth "That's why I didn't want you to come I…"

"Calm down please.. it's not time to"

"That's right it's not time to anything so please stay here and…"

Cameron sat next to her, rubbing her back "Relax Rem.. I won't leave.. just tell me what you want me to do.. I.. didn't mean to.. just… tell me what you need.. it's as simple as that"

"Damn it hurts" Remy snivelled while getting close to the blonde. She ended up leaning her head on her shoulder.

"It's almost over and then you'll be able to sleep for 48 hours non stop.. hang on!"

"48 hours? I wanna sleep for a whole week!"

Allison filled up a glass with some water and placed it on Remy's hand.

"Thanks" Remy had a mouthful and lay on her stomach which was obviously a bad idea hearing from the groans she made. She turned on her back and placed a hand on her low belly, frowning and shuddering.

In no time Allison enveloped her in the cover and lay next to her.

"Cam" Remy whispered seriously

"Tell me" Allison placed a hand around her waist

"I feel like.. telling you. Everything. Not now.. but I don't know if it is a good thing to do"

"When you'll be ready, I'll listen. I won't let you down. And you'll feel better. I don't know when, but you will. I have this feeling"

"Don't you ever lose hope?"

"More often than you think. But when it happens, I remember myself than I am on earth for a reason"

"Which one?"

"I don't know" Allison laughed.

"Really? Does it help you? To know that you have no idea why you're here for?"

"It does. Because if I don't know why I'm here, it means the battle's not over. It means I'm meant to be here and figure it out. It makes sense to me. It just sounds silly saying it loud"

Remy thought about it for a little. "It doesn't"

"Do you know why you're on this earth?"

Remy swallowed. "No"

"It's a good thing then"

"I like the way you're able to turn something terrifying into something good. I hate it, too. But tonight, I love it"


	14. Chapter 14

"What do you feel like eating?"

"Oh I don't know… Everything disgusts me" Remy was drying her hair with a towel, shivering. The low fever she had was a normal side effect. "Maybe some fruit juice"

"A juice it is! And I'll bring some snacks too, you'll see which one is tempting you… Do you need anything else?"

"Yeah, hum, I need…" Remy looked down her belly, indicating she needed girl things. She wasn't embarrassed. Allison was also a woman and after last night she could have asked anything. She was nauseous and the less she talked about bleeding the best she was feeling.

Allison nodded and promised to be back quickly. Remy assured her friend that she was feeling better. The pain in her stomach was still present but much tolerable. She just felt very tired.

When Allison came back, she found Remy sound asleep under the sheets. She decided to let her rest and watch some television in the meanwhile. She had also some paperwork that she could work on. She hoped they would leave this motel soon. She smiled alone thinking about how weird has been Remy's choice to book a room in such a cold and impersonal place. But on another hand, it wasn't that surprising. The brunette didn't want to break down. What was the better way to control her feelings than being in a neutral and unwelcoming atmosphere?

After about an hour, the young woman stretched next to her. Of course, it caused her abdominal pain and she soon regretted it.

"Hey" Cameron softly announced her presence.

"Hmm how long have you been back?" Remy couldn't open her eyes.

"Go back to sleep if you want"

"No, no.. I have to get up" Thirteen assured but didn't move.

"You're weak and have to rest now, don't fight against it" She placed her hand on Remy's forehead and frowned, noticing the fever had risen. "Just eat something, right?"

Remy shook her head.

Allison grabbed her doctor bag and look for a thermometer and a blood pressure monitor. Remy winked. "Are you fucking serious?"

"I just want to make sure you're.."

"I'm fine I told you. You know the side effects so don't.."

"Please. I just … I'll be done in no time"

Remy didn't judge it necessary but knowing Allison wouldn't give up so easily and will surely feel reassured after that, accepted.

"101.1" She established.

"Well, It won't kill me then"

"Give me your arm"

"Cam please…"

"Geez Rem, stop moving!" Remy was now staring the roof and waiting for Allison's verdict.

"86/53. You have hypotension Remy."

"This is because I haven't eaten for 3 days, it's normal don't…"

"You what ?"

"Hey, don't preach, I told you yesterday I haven't been eating much!"

"Well, there's a difference between not eating and not eating much. You're a doctor too, what were you thinking?"

"Stop it! I wasn't hungry. Since I took the first pill I felt queasy. Don't worry when I feel good I eat twice more as you do"

Allison had to admit it was true. She had never seen a girl being hungry every 30 minutes like Remy.

"Well, at least, try to eat something now, ok?"

"I'm cold and I just want to sleep, please"

"My god you're the worst patient I've never had" Allison handed her the fresh fruit juice she bought earlier. "Here. Begin with that"

Remy took a sip and licked her lips. "Since I was little I've only had fruit juice when I was sick. Which, I now know is not the best idea, but it's the only thing I can manage to swallow"

Allison grinned. "We're gonna buy boxes of fresh fruits then"

Remy smiled back "And you don't eat?"

"I've had breakfast when I went out this morning. Rem, do I have to be the grouchy girl in here or would you please uncover yourself and allow the fever to reduce?"

Remy yawned and lay on her back of course not obeying

"Hey hey wait.. here.. Take this". She placed a pill on Remy's hand, who took it with another sip of fruit juice, before closing her eyes again.

Allison waited for Remy to sleep before taking the blanket off Remy's body. She placed a cool towel on her friend's neck. Of course she felt remorse while the brunette was shivering with cold but she was acting for her well-being. And soon the pill would also help to reduce the pain and fever so Remy would feel better soon.

When Allison's phone rang, Remy opened her eyes. Allison had gone in the corridor trying to be noisy but she found the brunette leaned against the wall behind the bed.

"Did I wake you up?"

Remy yawned "I don't know why I can't wake up today"

"Because you're human and after what you did extreme tiredness is perfectly normal. and don't try to move or I may use the force to stop you"

"Listen, if you have to go somewhere I mean… I am feeling better now, you don't have to stay here locked up with me. Do whatever you have to do, really"

"I was thinking… do you plan to stay here, in this room for long? What would you think if, and I've said "if", you don't need to get mad, if we moved to your place or mine?

Remy's face tensed. "Oh"

"I'm not sure, but I think I guess why you wanna stay here… but soon or later you'll have to come back in the world. The more you wait, the most it'll be hard then. Let's just go home. And don't tell me you're comfortable here because you'll be much better in a cosy place… I … I won't leave you. Do not worry"

"I don't like it. The way I believe you. When you say it's gonna be ok. I don't like it. What if… you're wrong?"

"Well, what if.. I'm right?

They left the motel in the early night. Remy was nervous but still locking everything in. They went to Allison's place. They decided to watch a movie… but Remy was distracted and Allison worried. As Remy was still feeling very tired, she decided to take a nap on Allison's bed. But five minutes after she was back on the sofa.

"Can't you sleep?"

"No… I think I'm not tired anymore"

Allison knew Remy wasn't telling the truth. She decided now was the good time to talk about herself and so, distract Remy from her fears.

"I was 18" Allison began.

Thirteen turn her head and gave a thankful look. She came closer and sat on the couch, leaning her legs on the coffee table, frowning a little when she lifted her legs because of the abdominal pain. Once she was settled, Cameron continued.

"It was my first boyfriend. I mean, the first I was in love with" she smiled at the memory. I loved him and you know sometimes… you don't think about… precaution… you're young and.. caught in the moment… well… the tipical cliché…. When I told him I was pregnant… he's been the best…. We decided together it wasn't time to have a baby. And judge me if you want, I don't care. So many people did it… I was already… kind of caring and.. labelled as the nicest one blablablaaah.. so… you can imagine the gossip "the nice girls aborts" but you know… I don't regret it. I'm not sad about it. I almost never think about it. And for the abortion, I did it the same way that you did. I admit I wasn't prepared… I think young girls shouldn't chose this method.. even if I wasn't alone… he was with me…

"What was his name?" Thirteen shyly asked.

"Ervin. His name was Erwin. He was blond, just like Chase »

They both laughed, not knowing why the other was laughing at.

"Anyway, even though he was with me… I was really shocked to see all this blood. And.. you know.. Even if you can't see anything, in your head it's kind of hard… you feel disgusting and such an horrible person and… anyway.. you know what I mean. I swear you that for two months I couldn't shower without feeling the most awful person in this earth. I felt better in less than a year I guess…. When you're 18, you've got so much to deal with and no time to… stop and think…. Now… I am perfectly fine with it"

"and with Erwin?"

"I broke up with him. After the abort… I… we were too… It didn't feel right to be with him anymore…"

"Thanks for having shared this with me"

"Well thank you for listening. My point is…. The awful feeling you're absolutely trying to avoid… I know it…. And…. It's a wrong one…. A very very very wrong one. You didn't do anything bad… you.. haven't Rem…"

"I feel just like you said. So much going on and.. no time to learn dealing"

"I think you're doing great"

Thirteen gazed at her friend

"Yeah… I mean… nobody is feeling what you're going through. You're allowed to.. I don't know… I just think you're fighting.. And there's no good way to fight. The important is fighting. You're a strong one Hadley"

"I love listening to you"

"You do?"

"Yes. It makes all my fear disappear… you give me strength. I wish this would never stop"

"It won't Remy. Just accept it. I won't leave."

* * *

tell me what you think about :)


	15. Chapter 15

It's been three days since Remy aborted. She was feeling better but kept locking her emotions inside. She hasn't moved from Allison's place since they left the motel. Allison decided to go working that day because Remy really seemed to be fine. At least, physically. The worst was yet to come but Thirteen insisted that she felt like having some time alone and Allison needed to check the ER.

Allison hadn't reached the main hall yet that she already felt observed. She looked around. "Whaaat!?" . It wasn't referred to a specific person but only a polite way to ask people to mind their own business. Cuddy's office door. She breathed in and out before knocking and entering.

"Allison. Good to see you. Take a seat" The dean was welcoming even though she had a bossy look.

"Lisa, thank you so much for your understanding"

"Listen there is something I have to tell you. I trust you and House took Dr Hadley's protection too so I suppose the situation is serious"

"It is" Cameron sincerely pointed.

"As a friend I'd content myself of trusting both of you. But I have responsibilities. I have no intention to fire Dr Hadley, I do hope you're aware of that fact. I just want to talk to her. I think it is the minimum"

Allison absolutely understood Dr Cuddy's reaction but she also knew Remy wouldn't take it well. She massaged her temples thinking about an answer but Lisa didn't let her the time.

"You look exhausted"

"These last days have been quite intense. I'm not sure if Remy would agree to.."

"I'm sorry to say this is not an option. If she doesn't come here, I'll go and see her myself. Just let her know that. I don't want her any bad. But I have no clue of what is going on."

"I don't know everything myself, Lisa. Thirteen's not the talkative kind"

"But what if she suffered sexual harassment at work and suddenly decides to lodge a complaint against the hospital. Do you understand my position, Dr Cameron? I will see her so just let her know that she has to come here by the end of the day or I will check on her after work"

"Lisa… "

"I'm sorry Cameron but if I don't do my work, who will?"

Allison had to admit the dean of medicine was true. "Listen, She's .. I doubt she'll tell you anything. Just ..go easy".

Lisa understood the importance of sparing Dr Hadley and promised to be as cautious as possible.

Allison, on her side, thought about warning Remy about Cuddy's visit. She was hesitant. As Remy was alone right now, Allison feared and eventual panic attack. She finally decided she'd just go home with Cuddy at the end of the day and quickly explaining the situation before letting Cuddy approaching her. It was probably best than letting Thirteen distress all day.

It was time to leave the hospital and Allison was concerned about what will happen. She had texted Remy a few time during the day to make sure she was ok, and it seemed there wasn't any problem so far. But she also new how emotionally fragile Remy was. She came and found her was reading on the couch.

"Hey" Cameron came closer to Remy

"Hi.. how was your day?"

"Listen. There's something I have to tell you"

Remy embraced her knees and stare worriedly at Allison who sat and squeezed the brunette's hand. "Easy… it's nothing bad… Here it is… Cuddy's here. She wants to"

"I don't wanna talk to her. Allison please. I have.. I can't"

"She just wants to make sure you didn't have any problem at work I guess. She won't force you to tell her anything about your life… just… it will last five minutes… it's important"

"I can't believe you bring her here. I thought you…"

Allison placed a hand on Remy's shoulder but the tallest woman removed it. "She didn't let me the choice" Remy got up and went to find something to wear. She didn't want to meet her boss in pyjamas.

"You don't have to dress" Allison assured.

"I do what I fucking want. Just give me five minutes"

With no emotion she entered the bathroom with her clothes and some make up. She locked the door. She could hear Allison let Lisa enter and they were laughing and chatting. Remy didn't distract herself. She acted professionally. Make up, perfect face, head up, and get out the bathroom with complete disregard.

"Good evening Dr Cuddy"

To say Cuddy was surprise was little. Cameron and House had told Remy was going through a lot, but she seemed perfectly fine. Without seeming invasive, she examined Dr Hadley from top to toe but didn't find any clue of sickness, depression or else. Even Cameron was surprise to notice how brilliant Remy was at hiding her fears.

"Ho hm, good evening Dr Hadley. I think Cameron explained you the motive of my presence"

"She did". Thirteen smiled. She seemed confident.

"I will let the two of you talking" Allison excused herself and went into the kitchen. She hoped Thirteen would not seem so healthy that the dean would not believe her anymore. And she also was worried about how long Remy would manage to pretend before crumbling. She decided to make some coffee in order to keep her mind busy, hoping than once they finished talking the three of them would be able to share a cup together without any tension. When she didn't hear her co-workers voices anymore, she headed in the living room. Cuddy was alone seated in the couch. Where's Remy? Cuddy indicated the bathroom and Allison's face went pale. Cuddy didn't understand but decided not to ask. She just took her phone and checked her emails.

Cameron knocked "Rem.. open the door"

She could hear Remy wasn't breathing correctly.

"Rem please…It's ok.. "

Remy was curled behind the door managing to hold her sobs.

Cuddy couldn't help herself to hear Allison. She didn't intervened though, understanding it would probably be worse"

"Di… sh… i… s…"

Allison couldn't understand a word but she knew what Remy was asking. She wanted to know if Lisa was still there. But the blonde was more worried about Remy now than about Lisa. "Remy just let me in… please… can you do that for me?"

With shaky hands, Remy unlocked the door, still not moving from the ground. Allison entered and hold the brunette without talking. "I cou… I couldn't tell her… I can't … I … don… I…"

"shhh… it's nothing….calm down honey…" Allison rubbed her back and let her hide in her shoulder.

"I… why is it so.. damn… I just wanna forget… I can't do it anymore… just let me… let me be"

Lisa, hearing the sobs, eyed through the half-opened door.

"Don't look at me!" yelled Remy.

Hearing this, Cuddy entered in the bathroom wanting to assure her employee that she had nothing to fear from her but Allison glared her.

"Dr Hadley you.."

Allison shook her head and Lisa went to the kitchen. She thought about leaving but she wanted to talk with Allison so she patiently sat and waited.

"m'sorry"

"Stop then" Allison softly said. "It's ok to break… you had to…"

"I killed… I am such a monster… and I don't regret it. I am"

"Human. You are human. I killed my brother. I killed an innocent baby. I …"

"You've been strong and respected your brother's choice. And you've been strong and faced and awful situation with the abortion… you are not a bad person, Remy. Look at me"

Remy couldn't look. It was too much for her. "I heard you"

"I… don't know what to do…"

"You aborted three days ago. This last month you've been through so much. I have no idea how you manage to be still here full of willpower"

"I don't have.."

"Oh yes you do"

"Cuddy… she asked… what was wrong… I just smiled and said I was fine. She seemed convinced. Then she asked why I wasn't working then. I just said that she could fire me because I don't want to work anymore. That I just needed time to figure out what I wanted"

"But you don't want to lose your job, don't you?"

"That's right. But… I prefer losing it than telling about my life"

What Cameron saw in Remy's eyes, was shame. It wasn't pride. It was disgust, fear, and shame. Remy was good at hiding it, but for the first time, she saw Remy the way Remy thought she was.

Lisa entered again in the bathing room, the two girls were seated behind the door. She kneeled next to them. "You won't lose your job. Or so not because you don't talk to me."

Remy nodded, drying the last tears.

"But you need to tell me if something happened at hospital" Lisa softly said, sincere and caring.

"No. it didn't." Thirteen looked her into her eyes.

Lisa looked up at Allison for a confirmation but Allison had no idea if it was the truth

"Dr Hadley, are you sure?"

"Yes, I am"

* * *

first of all, thank you very much for reading. Than i would like to say something. for those who read and think this is maybe too much "dramatic" or always the same thing, I'd like to say that I believe that if you really have to deal with some hard things, you can't break once and than feeling ok. I focus on the process and I don't think it would be right let remy feeling better in one chapter. Then something maybe some of you don't like, are the dialogues. I am sorry for that, each time I post a new chapter i feel "depressed" by my bad writing and I want to stop it all. it's very difficult to write english when i only leart it at school. I mean, i've never been in an english country. this is my dream actually :) but for now, i just write. so please, tell me, when something is wrong. I promise I'll not take it badly... i just want to improve. that is why i don't give up to this story even though i think it's not that good.


	16. Chapter 16

Remy couldn't close an eye that night. She got up and made the coffee thinking it was the least she could do for Allison. She hated herself for being so needy. She hated herself for not going to work. She hated herself even for the fact she was breathing. Why would she deserve to breath if she was useless ? Why should she fight if she was tired of everything ? No, she didn't feel depressed. She felt… not able to go on. The abortion was painful but then she was so exhausted that she slept a few nights with no problem. Now, she was recovering and the horror she kept inside began tormenting her again. Why couldn't she just talk about it ? Why ? she had asked herself that question all night long. Why, if every time she closed her eyes she saw him, she didn't want to do something? She had no idea why. But she couldn't. She went to shower. Shower was a good time for crying without being seen. Water and tears got mixed up. She was tired of crying and being comforted. She hated it. No, she didn't actually, but she hated the fact she needed being reassured. She didn't want to get used to that. She couldn't allow herself to lean on somebody, she had to stop, she had to stop before getting hurt and worst of it, hurting Allison. She got dressed and opening the bathroom door, she found Allison, savouring her coffee.

"Good morning…?" Allison asked

Remy smiled "Good morning to you"

"Thanks for the coffee"

Allison's smile could erase each fear she had. For one second, it was just like air in her lungs. But the second after, she reminded herself she had to stop this stupid reassuring method. "It's just coffee Cam" she smiled though, not wanting to upset Allison.

"I feel like going have breakfast…. Are you feeling good enough for a ride?

"What about your work?"

"It's my free day" Allison pointed. Remy was looking for an excuse to duck out

"Since when?"

"I wanna have breakfast… let's go somewhere come on!"

Allison's liveliness was almost contagious but Remy had decided she should leave her friend's apartment today. "You can have breakfast here or wherever you want. Enjoy your free-time. You don't have to stay cooped up with me"

"And I want to enjoy it with you. And eat waffles, too. I don't have waffles here. Come on, you're already dressed. Give me the time for a shower and let's go"

Remy nodded. Maybe she would talk about her decision to go back living alone while having breakfast after all.

"I must admit it was actually a good idea. This place is lovely.

Allison was pleased.

"And this waffles are delicious" added Remy with her mouth full, and spitting sugar on the table.

The two girls laughed in harmony.

"How's your fruit juice?" Allison blinked.

"Very tasty… it's been so long I haven't… just eaten a waffle"

"Hey I told you, one thing at the time. Today, it's waffle day. What do you want to do next?"

Remy sighed.

"Hey, I know you had something in mind this morning. I'm sure it was some bad idea of yours"

"How do.."

"Shhh don't even wanna hear it. My ideas are better, aren't they? So let's eat another waffle and then… I don't know… we could go shopping?"

"Do YOU like shopping?" Remy was surprised. She didn't didn't portray her as a shopping girl. Well, she was more girly than her, for sure, but really, going round the shops?

"It's been an eternity I haven't tried it. Being a doctor doesn't allow much time for such activities, I'm sure you know what I mean!"

"Of course, but I hate shopping so I don't miss it at all"

"Yeah, so do I, but you never went shopping with me. Let's go"

They spent a day laughing and trying awful clothes. The rule was simple. Allison chose something and Remy had to try it. Then, it was Remy's turn. On their way back home, they were still talking about that special way of shopping.

"I can't believe you made me try a Barbie pajama" Allison managed to say through the tears.

"Well you missed girly things, didn't you?"

"True. I had some real fun today"

"So do I" Remy said wildly smiling.

"Good night Remy"

Remy was showing her back to Allison, not answering, lost in her thoughts.

"Rem?"

Remy faced Allison. "Sorry. Wasn't listening"

"Talk to me"

"We had a good day Allison. Let's not ruin it with useless words"

"Yes, we had. But you won't sleep if you begin torturing yourself again. Just.. I don't know… how can I help?"

"You can't. It's between me and me. I'm not in a talking mood"

"About a bedtime story then? You know I'm good at it…"

"Don't you have a joint instead?"

Allison frowned.

"Forget it… I just… want to get some sleep… I'm tired…"

"You haven't slept last night, have you?"

Remy shook her head.

Allison stroke Remy's hair. The brunette's anxiety was evident.

"Just close your eyes and let me do"

"It's a story about a girl.."

"No!" Remy firmly objected. "Not about a girl. Please"

"Fine. This story is about a koala. Koala is ok?"

"Yeah" Remy mumbled, closing calmly her eyes again

"This story is about a koala named Floppy.

Allison couldn't see Remy's face but she could guess that the brunette was smiling.

"Floppy was afraid of the dark. He didn't want other koalas to make fun of him, so he decided to fight against it and not showing to anyone he was scared. Every night he forced himself to meet his koala friends under the most famous eucalyptus tree. He didn't want to be alone so he didn't think he had a better option than following his nocturnal friend. One night though, while he was on his way, a hunter went after him. Little Floppy fought for his life and managed to reach an eucalyptus tree to escape the hunter. The only problem is, nobody knew where he was. Nobody went to look after him neither. His friends thought Floppy has been captured and soon forgot about him. Floppy, now, was alone on a lost eucalyptus tree. He couldn't sleep or move. He just closed his exes and decided to wait. He felt himself as the world's dumbest koala. An insomniac and afraid of dark's koala isn't even a real koala anymore, he thought. The days passed and for Floppy they were all the same. He had no hope anymore and he knew that if he didn't get down of the tree, he'd obviously never meet his friends again. But it didn't bother him. Koalas are not very friendly anyway. So he decided to wait the end of his life there. Not sleeping, he was feeling weaker and weaker every day, but it was a good thing, according to him. At least, all his fears will soon end. If only Floppy had the courage to open his eyes. He would have notice that on the eucalyptus tree next to him was another Koala, who had vertigo and couldn't move either"

"I think Floppy is a very stupid koala"

Allison hold the brunette. "And so are you" she friendly kissed the back of her head. "Floppy is just a little bit hard on himself. Get to sleep."

Remy felt protected on Cameron's arm but didn't want to get used to it. "Just for this night"

"If you want" Allison reassured her.

"Cuz' I'm a big girl" the teary voice betrayed her.

"I know you are" Allison hugged her and didn't want to let go.

"Al, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing.. I'm afraid.. to open my eyes and notice you're gone"

"It would be for the best, when it happens"

'When it happens', repeated Allison in her head, not if it happens. Remy already planned to leave soon or later. Maybe even before what Allison could expect. Maybe she won't be able to help her after all.

Remy knew she hurt her. She took Allie's hands and wanted to say something but the words were hard to find. "It wasn't at work. Nothing happened at work" She owned the blond this confirmation.

"All right" whispered Allison.

"Yesterday night I….. He…. Well…. And this morning I felt like going far away. Just disappear"

Allison held her breath, holding Remy stronger against her. This 'He' disgusted her from the bottom of her heart.

"But when I'm with you, .. I don't know… I feel like… "

"Stay… here .. With me" Allison was more pleading than appeasing Remy.

* * *

I hope you liked it. thanks for reading and commenting :)


	17. Chapter 17

"Get off me.. no … get off me.. don't.. nooo please no"

"Remy.. wake up hon'… you're having a nightmare…"

Allison pushed Remy's shoulder… softly.. than harder in order to wake her up. The brunette was crying an yelling in her sleep… Allison felt bad as she watched her struggling.

"Don't touch me" she rejected Cameron's arm, while violently kicking her eiderdown

"Sweety you have to open your eyes… you're safe here… wake up…"

Remy jumped with surprise and opened her eyes, winded and sweating. She sat in a crunch position, she was in a floods of tears.

"it's over…. It's over now…."

" I c .. I… Ican.." Remy couldn't even speak. She was in shock and Allison tried to alleviate her pain the best way she could. Usually Remy experimented episodes of anger, it was the first time she seemed frightened, terrified. "Calm down babe I promise you're gonna be fine… and out .. easy"

"I can't …. Get.. over it…" Remy curled in the bed in hid under the duvet. "Don't look at me"

"You're safe here" Allison would give anything to take the pain away from her.

"Allie" The brunette rested her head on Cameron's lap, sobbing and hiding the face in her hands.

"Come here" Allison hold her for several minutes, without talking anymore, simply enveloping her and giving the reassurance she needed. When the brunette was appeased, Allison lent her on the headboard. Maybe it wouldn't be easy but the blonde decided to try talking with Remy who was nervously playing with her fingers.

"I'll make us a cocoa" Allie gently announced

Remy sighed. "Don't you have anything stronger?"

Allison came back in no time with two hot beverages and took place next to Thirteen.

"I don't mean to pressure you. When ever you want, we'll stop, but how would you feel about talking to me?"

Remy took a sip of hot milk and felt sick. She began coughing and Allison pick up the cup from Remy's hand. "It's ok, don't drink it" Allison squeezed Remy's knee. "Hey, look at me" Remy, ashamed, refused to lift her head. "take your time"

"I don't.. I.. forget it"

"If you want, we can just go back to sleep. But I feel like… you want to let it out… am I wrong?"

Remy shrugged her shoulders. She didn't know what she wanted.

"Would you like to talk about your dream?"

"NO." The dry answer iced the room. Remy's breath became heavy.

"Don't worry. I understand… you need to relax hon' "

"I don't know, maybe there's somebody you'll feel more comfortable to talk with? … a therapist?"

Remy collected herself. "I'll take my stuff, I wanna go home"

Allison grabbed her arm. "You're not going anywhere. I didn't mean to… sorry Rem.. I just… don't know.." Allison's teary eyes caught Remy's attention. "I thought maybe I'm not.. good enough to.."

"You're not the problem. It's me. I'm just wrong you know.." Remy curled in the bed, sorrowful.

"You aren't". "You're allowed to feel bad. You're allowed to be scared. And you didn't do anything wrong. You are the bravest person I know.

"I'm a coward"

"Nothing you could tell me would change my opinion. I admire you, Remy. I do NOT think you are weak because you cry. I don't want to get rid of you. I care and I .. I selfishly need you to stay with me. I need you to be fine. You mean a lot to me. And I want to help you. Just let me in. we'll do whatever you want to do. I'll always respect you. But let me in.. let's …try?"

Remy nodded.

"I don't know… how to begin.."

Allison softly stroke her back. "Do it… how you feel like"

"I…" Remy hesitated for long "I don't feel I can do it now" She admitted.

"Ok" Whispered Cameron.

"Are you mad?"

"No babe… I'm not mad… how could I be mad?"

"Let's have a pizza, then?"

"Rem, you don't have to pretend you're fine…"

"I'm starving"

Allison smiled "Let's order a pizza then"

Remy sat and set her hands on Allison's legs "I'm sorry, you know? I mean… really sorry. I wish.. I was… different"

"You don't have to change. Sometimes people need time to open up.. There's nothing wrong with it…. Don't blame yourself… just… don't push me away…"

"Thank you Cameron.. for everything" these simple words came from the heart and Remy felt really emotional. Allison hugged her one last time and they ordered the pizza.

They finally spent a quiet night until they fell asleep on the couch. At least Allison was sleeping. Remy was ready. Ready to disappear. If she listened to the little voice in her heart, she would never leave, but she knew this feeling will grow every second and the more she waited the most it would be difficult. Tonight was the night she stopped postponing and acted instead.

She went in Allie's room. A pen, a paper : that's all she needed. She turned off the light and lay on the bed. She put "Happy you're gone by Placebo" on repeat on her cellular, closed her eyes with her headphones on the ears and listened to that song. She silently cried, thinking that every word of that fucking song would be dedicated to Allison. She cried the whole song and promised herself that once she left this apartment, she'd never break down again. When the song ended, she turned on the bedside lamp and began writing.

Allison,

_I owe you this._

_I already told you I was in prison. My cellmate soon became my friend. She protected me from gangs in there and thanks to her I didn't have lot a troubles. Some months after I was released she appeared at my door in the middle of the night. She was injured. I promised her that we wouldn't have gone to hospital, but at the end we had no other choice. Chase helped me that day. When Darrien woke up in an hospital bed, she promised me that I would have to pay for betraying her. That's what happened. About a month ago, I was coming back from work. This guy… He was there, in my house… I don't remember. He tied me. He hurt me. Than I was asleep. And when I woke up I was in my bed. There was a note on my bedside table. « you knew you were gonna pay » she protected me in prison but I didn't help her back so.. my bad. After that, I decided to pretend it never happened. I went to work and acted normally. For two weeks. I was not feeling that bad. But he began writing or calling. This is when I lost it. I feel so stupid. He's just playing with my head. Nobody should play with it and I know it. So why ? Why am I scared ? Why can't I sleep without feeling him ? I don't even remember what happened. I hate myself for being a pussy. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want all this. I just wanna forget. I didn't want you to be forced to take care of me. I didn't mean to be a pain in the ass. I didn't mean to hurt you. I owe you this explication, but it's not an excuse for being so ridiculous. I know you care. I never met somebody who actually did. That's why I know you're hurt now. And believe me, it's the last thing I wanted to do. But I'm a danger to anyone. You may not understand it now, but one day, you will know I was right. Be happy Allie. My little Allison. I think you are the best friend I never had. I wish I was different. But it's just me you know…. Hurting people, that's all I can do. You deserve so much better. It's probably the first time I'm being so sentimental. I'm not sure I did it good. I followed your advice. I did how I felt like._

_Don't be mad, please don't._

_Take care,_

_13._

* * *

Here is it... Remy's confession... I hope you liked it... let me know what you think..

I suggest you to listen to the song I mentioned... :) haha!


	18. Chapter 18

"So, this is your plan, running away ?"

"Yup"

"And you're coming here to tell me, because?"

"I want you to have an eye on Cameron."

"Of course! Because YOU care so much about her, right? And to show her how much you're grateful for everything she's been doing for you, you decided to disappear?"

"I didn't ask for your opinion. Will you make sure she's ok?"

"Why would I? If you care, you stay" She's been crying, the puffy eyes betrayed her, House thought. She seemed to be in pain, too.

"Why do you trust me?"

"Why.. wait… what?" Thirteen stroked her hair and nervously shook her head.

"You had someone there for you, ready to do everything, and you come here for help, why?"

"I don't want your help, House. I told you it's about Cam" She was on the verge of exasperation. She would blame it on House, but in reality, leaving Allison was probably the main reason why she was so affected.

"Sorry, my bad! I thought you were here because you're too afraid about someone who understands your feelings that you prefer someone who doesn't give a damn about you, in order to prove yourself you are right and you deserve what's happening. And possibly, if you're lucky you'll even find the confirmation that you don't deserve to live. Wouldn't it be cool?"

"Exactly! And I admire you so much that I decided to do just like you House: I wanna help people who trust me by letting them down when I need them and show them what reality is" She grimaced in pain again

"Hey! That's nasty! I helped you. I asked Cameron to be your friend. You don't like friends? Are you hurt?" He asked the last question just as ironically as his previous speech

Thirteen didn't dare to answer. "Forget it. I don't even know why.."

"I'll repeat slowly for you. Are. You. Hurt? Which one of these words you don't understand?

Thirteen stared at him. He added, quickly mumbling "which is weird for a doctor"

"My stomach. This is not the point"

"Lie"

"House you.."

"I said lie down. Yeah I want a sexy goodbye" He winked.

Thirteen lay on the couch and House examined her low belly. "Bend you legs" He instructed after a while. She was moving but he prevented her from getting up. "You can go on being mad in a lying position or … maybe not?" he asked, niggling her.

"When did you abort?" Another question without answer, was she doing this on purpose? House couldn't resist. "I really begin having doubts about your medical license. "When. Did. You. Abort?" He repeated detaching every word, making fun of her.

"6 days ago. What is wrong?"

"Nothing. If you do what I say " He left the room and came back some minutes after with 2 pills and a glass. "Take it"

It was useless fighting against House "I.."

House stare at Thirteen's luggage on the corridor. "Nobody ever told you to avoid carrying heavy loads? I was sure you were a good doctor….. Lack of sleep, emotional distress… does it evoke something?"

"I thought Cameron didn't tell you about.."

"Did she?"

"How did you know something was wrong?"

"It's official you are the worst doctor I have ever met! You were grimacing, I took it as a sign of pain… that's what doctors look at.. well, sometimes!"

Thirteen wasn't in a joking mood. She hardly could understand what he said. She didn't remember what she first asked. Her eyes were slowly closing.

"Now rest and we'll see later. It six AM, it's the middle of the night! Or do whatever you want as long as I can actually sleep… " He didn't have the time to end his speech that Thirteen was already asleep. House piled up tree cushions and put them under Thirteen's legs, then he went back in his room with his cell phone and a malicious smile.

15 minutes later, he got a phone call. It was Allison, screaming, crying and telling him she was gone for good.

"I couldn't… She… you have to find her, we have to find her. Please. House I'm begging you, I.. she's not ok, she'll do something stupid. I .. what did I miss House? I did my best..

"She's sleeping"

"Let's find …. Whaaat?" Cameron realised what he just said.

"I gave her two sedatives… she shouldn't be up before midday"

"She's there ? Wait, you did what?" Cameron didn't know if she should feel released, offended or worried.

"Sedative. Are you familiar with this word? I guess you're not a better doctor than Thirteen! What did I miss with you girls?"

"Never mind, I'm coming"

"Don't!"

"I need to see her, I need to.." Allison was crying and imploring

"Unless you want her to have an hemorrhage on my couch which will be at your laundry expense I suggest you to let her rest"

"House, you don't get it, she…"

"I don't need to get it…. She is sleeping and so am I"

"I call you in a few hours… don't let her leave… she…"

"Where would she go? I've got her ID. Night Cameron!"

"Wait… she… has frequent nightmares and.."

"Whatever!" He hang up and went to bed. Of course he didn't sleep that well and stood up a few times to check on Thirteen but he would never admit it, not even to himself. When he heard that she was awake he got up too to find her rooting on her suitcase.

"Good morning sunshine!" House's irony was evident.

Thirteen didn't turn over. She grabbed a large sweater and a toilet bag and left the room.

"Cameron called" House yelled while she was in the bathroom.

Thirteen's post-abort symptoms had almost disappeared these last two days but that morning she was in real pain just like the previous night. She couldn't deal with Cameron for now, neither with House to tell the truth. She wished she had just run away yesterday instead of coming there. Why did she come?

"Don't tell her that I'm here. I'm about to leave anyway" She went in the kitchen, hoping to find coffee.

"Why don't you make us coffee? House ordered instead. "And by 'us' I mean for You, Cam and I of course!"

"House, please don't tell me she's…."

"Relax I told her to give you some time…. She'll be there in 10 minutes or so"

"Can't you stop irritating people just for one sec' .. damn!" She placed a hand on her stomach.

"Lie down"

"I'm leaving" she stated neutrally

"Do as I tell you and you'll feel better and free to leave wherever you want in a few hours or you can go now, collapse in less than an hour and meet us later at hospital. Choice is all yours"

"Don't let Cameron come. Please". She sincerely looked at him, hoping for once, he'd understand.

House nodded. Thirteen sat back on the couch and House threw her a hot bottle for her stomach. He came closer and placed his hands on Thirteen's abdomen, for a palpation. "What is it?"

"Your stupidity" he simply pointed. "I'll go and see Cuddy while you chose a lesbian porn"

"House you don't have to…"

"Watch a gay porn, I know.. let me make this sacrifice for you"

Thirteen was weirdly feeling good with House. Being with someone who didn't show any type of emotion helped her to deal with her darks thoughts, at least for now. House gave her some medical reports to work on and went to the hospital.


	19. Chapter 19

House arrived at the hospital and looked for Cameron in her office.

"How's Thirteen?" She asked in a neutral tone while writing some papers. She didn't look at him, as if she didn't care.

"Not my problem" House limped near her and began touching everything on the desk. Cameron put down her pen, upset.

"Yes it is House. YOU are the one who told me to help her when she didn't trust me and never would. YOU are the one she comes to find and wanna talk with, so YOU're going to help her"

"I think she's big enough to take her decisions. I'm betting you 100 bucks she'll be gone before night"

"This isn't a game, House"

Dr Cuddy knocked and entered in Cameron's office. "House, why aren't you working?" She glanced at him and then Cameron "Allison how is Dr Hadley's doing?"

"Why don't you ask House since she's staying with him now" She got up to leave when Cuddy stopped her by the arm.

"One minute. Can someone explain me what's going on?" Lisa asked concerned.

"Nothing, little Cameron and I were doing a bet and it seems like she's a poor loser. Who would have guessed that?"

"What are you saying? Listen, I do not appreciate the fact Dr Hadley is not actually medically followed but you assured me you had the situation under control. If it's not the case, I will take proceedings"

"Don't" Cameron's protective look impressed Dr Cuddy. "You'll terrorize her. Lisa, can you excuse us a second?" Lisa nodded reluctantly and left making sure that Cameron would explain her later.

Cameron faced House. "What should I do?"

"What do you want to do? House wasn't joking anymore.

"Thirteen's an idiot"

"Finally, we do agree on something. I suggest you to let her do what she has in mind, though. I mean, can't you let her the opportunity to find out she's stupid by herself?"

"No. I need to see her now. She… I don't think I should tell you"

"But you will, so come to the point"

"I'm not sure we should let her a choice. She should file a complaint"

House stare the wall for a while. So, it was what he suspected. He was almost sure of it. But now he just had the assurance. "What would it change? What she need is to regain the control. You need to let her the choice. She is not you."

Cameron smiled. "Because she is you. That's why you can't help her."

"But you can. She trusts you, now"

Cameron opened House's apartment door and came in. Remy was on the couch, working on a medical report.

A blank expression on her face, she decided to ignore Cameron and keep on writing the report.

"Hi" Allison sat on the coffee table as Remy didn't move her lying legs from the sofa.

"Hey" She said nonchalantly "What are you doing here?"

"Seriously?"

"I am a little busy as you can see so why not"

"We need to talk"

"Nope"

"So this is the way it works: you wake up terrified, you write down what you feel and you disappear?"

"Well… can't we?"

"No, Rem, we can't. Don't I have the right to answer to your letter?"

"I don't think I want to hear it"

"But you will do it anyway because I haven't planned to leave before I could say what I came to say" Allison stared at Remy's belly, noticing now the hot bottle she was holding on it

Remy was embarrassed. "Yeah hmm.. It's ok.."

Cameron was waiting for a real expanation and kept on staring Remy's stomach.

"Some abdominal pain.. it's… It can happen… you know it, so don't make a scene of it"

"You're still bleeding, aren't you?"

"It's getting better now, don't worry" Remy finally looked at Allison in the eyes, trying to reassure her. Allison took advantage of this and rested her hand on Remy's legs. "We need to talk"

"I know" Remy whispered.

Allison wanted to tell her how she felt when she noticed Remy was gone. She kept looking at Remy's luggage and imagining what would have happened if she didn't came to House "You know what... Forget it… it's not important. Get well soon Rem!" Allison got up and grabbed her bag

"Allison… Allie wait! Look at me"

Allison dried her tears, and met Remy's eyes. "I can't be mad, because you already feel bad, so you'd feel worse and it'd be my fault. Try to rest and we'll talk later. Or you can disappear again… and again and again! Do what you want, Rem"

"I apologise"

"Yeah, what are you apologising for? For leaving or for coming here? You know, if you didn't want to stay with me,… why didn't you just tell me? I want you to feel better. I don't care if I can't help.. as long as you…"

Allison walked near the doorstep, not looking back anymore. She seemed to be talking with the door. "Well … you couldn't just… I was worried. You… I was scared… and… sad… and.. hurt…. I don't even think you do realise how much you…. But it's fine now… Get some rest and you can call me if you need something… anything"

"Cam't hur'"

Cameron came back and found Remy on her side, pressing her stomach.

"It's easy, every time you're wrong, it hurts and… I can't blame you so"

"So leave!"

Without thinking Cameron opened the door and left, hurt and angry. But she could hear Remy screaming inside. She didn't even stay one second in the hall that she made her way back close to Thirteen.

"Show me where it.."

"I said leave" shouted Remy, crying.

"Shut up" the blonde answered curtly. "Show me… where does it hurt?" She softly patted her shoulder. Remy was still on her side holding her abdomen "Show me hun". Thirteen took Allison's hand and placed it under her navel where she was feeling a shooting pain. Allison felt the abdominal rigidity and understood Remy's pain was not only psychological. Thirteen stopped yelling, the pain was so intense she was about to pass out. "Hey… stay with me… hold on…"

Allison opened House's medicine cabinet in the bathroom and was amazed by the painkiller collection. She quickly took one pill of Drotaverine and gave it to Thirteen. "I'm gonna call House. We're gonna take you to hospital. This is enough!"

"Calling me? Unless you're having some girl on girl action" House took off her jacket and ignored the rest of Cameron's speech"

"Help me to get her up"

"Move" House sat next to Thirteen and again, examined her, except she couldn't stand the pain now.

"Anxiety is worsening the normal pain you should feel. If you want suffering even more I suggest you to carry on like that. You're doing great"

Cameron thought it was her fault. If she was feeling better away from her, then she should leave her with House. "I'd.. better go"

"Cam" Remy opened her eyes and looked for her "don't go"

"Ladies, I just came to say hello so I'll see you later…" House left on purpose in order to force Allison to stay. "But Cameron if you're also busy we can let Remy here. I mean, she's been fine by herself so you don't have to feel guilty… She'll call if she needs anything, right 31?

Remy nodded and House left.

"I'm sorry, once again" Remy had her eyes closed and was still holding her stomach

"I didn't mean to make you feel anxious, I am the one who's sorry"

"I thought I'd never see you again. That's why I wrote you that letter. It wasn't.. I.."

"I know you're not trying to hurt me on purpose…"

Remy opened her eyes and sat "I wanted to make sure you'll be all right.. I wanted House to take care of you"

Allison couldn't believe it "But.."

"No please let me finish. You're perfect, Al. I don't want you to suffer"

"Remy, what hurts is waking up and noticing you're gone. You have the right to feel bad. I will never get tired of this. But I am not perfect, I am human. I can't live with the fear that each time we're not together you may run away. You've been doing the same thing since we hang out together. You open up, and you run, you open up and you run"

"I can't help it. When I'm with you..

"When you're with me you feel like you can trust me, but you're not used to talk and you don't know how to do it. Then when awkwardly you confide in me, you panic"

Remy nodded.

"Talking transforms what you have hidden into something real. Once you've said it, there's no coming back. That's why you run. You don't want to face the reality"

"I feel like each seconds it's harder to keep everything in"

"Stop fighting it! I promise you if one day I can't stand you anymore, I'll be the one who leaves. But please, no more running away. You can't run away from yourself"

"I don't really care if you're helping me because you like damaged people, It's fine for me. I just don't want you to stay because House told you. You're free to leave. Anytime"

"Remember the first night we became friends. That's true. House asked me to look after you. That night, YOU looked after me. You saw what I needed and you gave me the comfort I needed. Do you think I am here now, because House wants me to? I think you'd feel it. Rem… you're my friend. Not because you're damaged. You're my friend and I want you to let me help" Allison placed her two hands on Remy's shoulders.

"You can't lock everything's in. This is why you feel bad. Your body can't stand it anymore. I know you're angry and you just to be fine and forget everything. But it's not the way it works. I let you try. Now, we're going to try something else. Would you agree to trust me?"

"M'not sure I can do it" Remy confessed, looking down.

"Are you willing to try?

The brunette lifted her head and nodded. "I am", she whispered.

"No more running away?"

The brunette shyly took Allison's head. "I thought I was doing what's best for you"

Allison smiled. "Well, you thought wrong"


	20. Chapter 20

Remy wanted to go back home. It wouldn't be easy but tonight she agreed to talk with Allison. Forgetting what happened to her wouldn't work. She had to face it, Allison was right. But the only thought of having a real conversation about this made her feel sick. It wasn't only bad faith. She usually used to deal with things pretending everything was fine and she really had no idea how else she could do, but she promised Cameron she won't run away. Here there were, eating chinese food at Remy's table, quietly. Remy didn't eat much. She was already thinking about the conversation they would have after dinner. Allison, for her part, was letting Remy in her word because it seemed she needed it and to say the truth, Cameron was also anxious. She wondered what was the best way to make this easy for Remy. She knew it wouldn't be easy for her friend to face the reality.

"Let's seat cosily on the couch?"

Remy shook her head.

"Rem first of all, let me tell you something. We have all the time we need, and we don't have to fix everything tonight. I just want to talk about the things I expect you to do.. And most of all, I want to hear what you need. When you feel like it's too much for you, just say it. Don't think it won't happen, because it'll, and it's ok, you just have to let me know and we'll take it slow" Allison was trying to sound reassuring but it didn't seem to work. Remy wasn't looking at her and she was distant…

"I'm already feeling bad Al, just… say what you have to say"

"No." Allison gently but firmly said. Remy was waiting for her to proceed, surprised.

"I'm not in a hurry. Let's relax…. Does your stomach hurt?"

Thirteen nodded.

"You have to do a medical check up. This is the only thing I won't give you a choice on."

Remy took a deep breath. She didn't say anything. Another deep breath and she had to swallow hard to block the tears. "So no more running, right?" Her sad eyes were staring Allison. She tried a smile but it looked more like a sigh.

"Talk to me"

"I'm fine Allie. It's only.. I'm nervous that's all"

"I'm not saying you aren't. But just "stress" like you say is giving you a hard time. I wouldn't be surprised you have some infection or something. You also aborted and we have to see if it's ok. Abortion pill works at 90 percent. I would really feel reassured if you accept to have an examination. And I'm sure, at the end, you will too"

Remy moved from the kitchen table to a seat in her living room.

Allison followed. "tell me"

"It's… I.. don't feel very comfortable with … forget it" Remy's teary eyes were imploring to stop this conversation but Allison had no intention to.

Allison nodded "I can understand that…. But if helps, I can do it… I can do the check up… would you agree if it's me..?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I guess it's better than with a stranger… but I can't stand it ..if I'm dressed up it's different…" She was suffering, it was evident.

"Tell me honestly, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much was it hurting this afternoon?"

"don't know…" she mumbled.

"Rem! Come on!"

"maybe 9.. 9 and a half"

"Ahm…" How could Remy still hesitate to have a check up if it hurt that bad?

"And now?"

"It's ok now… maybe.. 6"

"Of course, 6 is cool!... I want you to have a look at it… please?"

Remy looked at the worried blonde. "kay….. and then?"

"Let just do this for now…"

"What, now?" Remy asked.

"When ever you feel ready. Tomorrow or the day after… or now!"

"Let's go, then.. if you don't mind" Remy decided that if it has to be done, better soon than thinking about it for two more days.

Allison got up and took Remy's hands, smiling "Come on"

* * *

Remy sat on the cold examination table still looking anywhere but at Cameron.

"It's fine… try to imagine what you would do if you were the docto… You just do your job… it's the same for me… let's do it… professionally?"

Remy liked the idea. After all, it was true. This was a regular exam and there was nothing to be embarrassed of.

"You stop me when you want"…

Remy took off her shirt and opened the button of her jeans. It wasn't easy but she promised and she had nothing to lose. Allison began the examination with a palpation. Remy didn't have to tell when it hurt because her face indicated it well enough.

"I'll proceed with the abdominal ultrasound" Cameron applied a gel over Thirteen's abdomen and took the transducer.

"Can I go?"

Remy nodded. She was tensed.

"You need to relax… I'll be quick"

Cameron observed the kidneys, the liver, and the pancreas. "It seems there's nothing wrong with organs" She smiled. "Let's have a look where you feel the biggest pain" Allison pressed again the zone with her hands and Remy had to bite her tongue for not yelling

"Allright…. I need you to hold your breath for a few seconds"

Allison examined the zone under Remy's navel. "You can breathe now" She tried to enlarge the picture on her screen. "Ok do it again". Remy held her breath but the pain was stronger now and she let go "Sorry" "It's ok… can you try to hold your breath for a few more seconds? I'm almost done… seems like you have an ab strain"

"Cool"

"Shhh.. don't talk"

"This is it, abdominal strain. Must have been caused by contraction during the abort and it got worse with … well you are a doctor!" There was no need to remind the nightmares and crying fits.

"and I also don't need to tell you.."

"That it's nothing bad, no I know it, but thanks!" Remy smirked

"The end of my sentence was actually that you can't make effort until you feel the pain.. and then you have to take it very easy because healing time depends on you"

"Oh!"

"But as we mentioned earlier, you are a doctor too so you know it, right?"

"yeah, yeah"

"I feel better" Allison sighed, relieved.

"You were worried for nothing. Let's go home now, so I can rest?" Remy was ironic.

"Of course! As soon as I end blood test… It'll take two minutes.. I'll check the results tomorrow"

* * *

Here, now lie your legs. Allison helped Remy to sit although the brunette assured she didn't need it but the less she used her muscles the sooner they'd heal.

"So, what's next?"

"Now… you just try not to panic because of realization! Because that's what you usually do."

"That is why I'm asking what we do next, I don't wanna sit and think"

"Facing reality mean accepting things not avoiding the reflexion part.. Can we try?" Allison was being nice and comforting but Remy felt the bitchy instinct inside and had to fight hard not to tell her to shut up… "Do you mind if I go in my room for a while? I mean… Do I have to talk absolutely?"

When Allison went in Remy's room to make sure she was ok, she found her asleep. It was weird that she actually could sleep with no problem.. but Allison was used to Remy now.. She supposed she had taken the same sedatives House gave her the day before and with it, avoided to feel bad. Allison didn't like that idea because sleeping for forgetting is not better than running away and she didn't want Remy to take this habit. But she supposed Remy also needed her rest and if this could actually help her tonight, it also was a good thing. At least, she'll sleep without waking up with nightmares and move and hurt herself more, Allison concluded to herself while wrapping a blanket around Remy and turning the light off.

* * *

I wanted to ask you something... would you like this story going on as friendship... or would you prefer something more... I think I feel comfortable with both so.. just let me know what you think :)

thanks for reading


	21. Chapter 21

"I don't want to stay in bed doing nothing, one more minute. I hate it !"

"Eat your breakfast, I made us eggs and then we'll see.." Allison brought a meal tray, softly smiling.

Remy sat abruptly and began to get worked up

"Hey, you're supposed to take it easy" Allison was concerned. She forced Remy to lean on her pillow. "If you manage not to knock the eggs over, I'll take my plate as well"

Allison's niceness made Remy feel guilty. "It seems delicious…" Remy righted herself and took a bite… "yumm.. it IS delicious"

"It's nothing special.. but thank you" Allison sat in front of Remy and ate her eggs too "So… what's the matter?"

"I don't want to.." Remy coughed which woke up the pain in her abdomen and forced her to lean again on the pillow

"You see? This is the reason why you have to relax"

"I know you're right.. but imagine you should stay in bed… what would you do?

"Are you kidding? I'd sleep and sleep and then sleep some more…" Allison said, laughing.

"I'm sorry you must be exhausted by my fault" Remy sadly took another bite of bread.

"That's not what I meant… Look… we could always work on something… I understand you need to feel busy"

"Allie, you can't skip work forever. I promise I'll be fine and I'll not disappear"

"I believe you'll not disappear, because you promised. I will stay here or you'll come with me, though. We're doing with my rules now, remember?"

Remy wanted to answer and had to fight once more for not being obnoxious. "I'll have a shower. Can I?" The question ironic of course

Allison didn't dare to answer. She took the plates back on the kitchen and called the hospital.

"I had the results of your blood test, it seems everything's fine"

"Told you" Remy smiled

"I also talked with Cuddy. She suggests us to take some time to write an article"

Remy was surprised "An article, what about?"

"Well, it's up to us… we could choose some unique case we had to resolve. We could also talk about diagnosis in general. But I think the second option was the one she wants us to explore. What do you think about it?"

" Hmmm… let me think about it… I'll be back" Remy went in the kitchen, came back with two coffee and offered one two the blonde.

"So… is it your new babysitting plan?" Remy got nervous once again "Sorry! That's not what I… it's not what I meant"

"Whoo relax! If you didn't answer sarcastically anymore it wouldn't be you…! And to answer, yes, it's a way to look after you. I can stay home, we can both work otherwise we'll turn crazy, and it'll keep your mind busy, that's not what you wanted? Besides, it'll be interesting to work on a paper together, we both work hard so we could do something good, don't you think?"

"I'm usually not that good with teamwork but this time I think it could work" Remy smiled, she was glad but refused to admit it.

"Really? You work on a team, don't you?"

"I'm pretty much sure that House's team doesn't count" They both laughed and of course Remy forgot that laughing also caused pain. Allison noticed the brunette was suffering but didn't comment.

Without hesitating anymore they took place around Remy's kitchen table and began to talk about what they wanted to say.. how they should write and they shared some stories about diagnosis. They decided they also could borrow some books from the library. This paper remembered them about their time at university. Surprisingly, they really got on well and they were working so hard they lost track of time. They miss lunch without noticing it and it was only around 3pm that Remy got up, looking something to eat.

"My god, look at the time!"

"We've been working for 7 hours non-stop! I can't believe it"

"We're doing a pretty good job"

"I agree" said Allison yawning.

"You should take a nap while I cook something"

Allison stared unbelievably. "Shouldn't I be the one telling that?"

Remy didn't know if it was the good time to bring this up, since it's been all day Allison tried to hide her sadness. "You look exhausted, seriously go and rest, there's nothing wrong about that"

"Ok, if you insist I will, but let me just finish what I'm reading" Allison put her glass back on. She red three lines before feeling a hand on her shoulder. Remy then sat in front of her. "So… care to tell me what…?"

"What .."

"No" Remy came closer. "I'm supposed to talk with you, but it's not a problem if you hide yourself?

"It's not like that Rem.. I didn't want to.. since you're.."

"Since what? Since I'm what? Allie, what's wrong?"

"I'm worried that's all…" Allison smiled but Remy didn't give up.

"Don't put it on me. I know you are worried but I asked what is wrong with YOU?"

"Maybe you're right, I should take a nap…" Allison went in Remy's room and lie on the bed, under the sheets, she covered her face too and closed her eyes. Remy let her 5 minutes before opening the door's room. She didn't say anything, she just lay next to the blonde and held her close.

"Don't worry.. I'll be fine"

"You're sad" Remy pointed out, not accusing but letting know that she had noticed it.

"How am I suppose to help you when I…"

"You don't have to"

"No.. please.. it's not what I meant.. I have no idea if I'm doing the right things… Am I helping you or.. just… putting you down with me?" Every word was difficult to pronounce, it hurt to admit that maybe, her place wasn't there. Allison was still dealing with her recent divorce and seeing Remy suffering didn't let her indifferent. She was angry with life. Why? Why was it so hard for some people when others have everything? Allison left Chase because he was fixable, she wasn't. And now She wants to help Remy. Her intention was obviously pure, but…. Could she really help her or would she damage her even more?

"Close your eyes…." Remy softly said, exactly knowing what Allison needed.

"You're not going to fix me, Al"

Allison opened her mouth but Remy didn't let her talk. She put a finger on her lips and stroked briefly her cheek. "I would never trust somebody who tells me it's gonna be ok with no fear. You know why? Because life is everything except easy. And we all have our demons. Maybe you can't fix me, but you've been the only one to give me back hope"

"Did I?" Allison asked with a teary voice

"You did. I don't know what tomorrow will be and I'm afraid of every new step you're going to make me do. But there is something inside me" Remy touched her upper stomach under her breast "There is something I just have to.. I don't know… let out.. I feel like.. as long as you're here… It's kind of ok.. you know what I mean?"

"I became stronger, working with House… but.."

"I know Cam… you're lost, too and you were having a bad time"

"I used to be the nice and caring girl"

"You still are" Remy awkwardly tucked Allison's hair behind her ear

"But"

"But you now know that you also have to protect yourself. And I hurt you much than what you can handle"

"It's not about how much you hurt me… It's more.. I don't want you to stay because you promised"

"Allie, I do care about you. Actually, you're" Remy took a pause and a big breath. She hesitated… why was it so hard to tell? She always needed when she was about to say something important. Allison needed to hear it, she deserved to feel reassured "I do think what I've been writing. You're like the best friend I never had.. or.. I don't know but you're the only person who matters in my life, for now"

"The best friend you have" Allison took Remy's hand

"I'm sorry for the hard time I'm giving you…. You really should get some sleep while I cook something…" Allison hadn't slept at all when Remy disappeared and since she was with here again, she's been worried and didn't have time to rest properly. Allie nodded

"I will… thank you Remy"

Remy hugged her once again "thank You"

Remy opened the fridge and looked for something to prepare… She decided she could cook some pasta but she didn't have any tomato sauce so she put on a jeans and a tshirt and went to the grocery around the corner. In 5 minutes, she was back and everything could have been fine if there wasn't somebody waiting for her. She hadn't noticed him when she entered, she directed herself near the stairs when she felt a hand grabbing her from the arm and then pushing her against the wall. "One word to Allie, and "booom". With his hands he mimed a revolver. "Is that clear, bitch?" Remy weakly nodded, her eyes staring him. "Have a good day, Hadley" He pushed her again, towards the stairs this time. It was like telling her to go back home, now.

Remy climbed the stairs as fast as she could. Then, every action was made automatically. Remy was disconnected. She opened her door, closed it quietly, she went in her bedroom and forgot Allie was there. She sat on the corner of the bed, staring the wall. The shallow breathing immediately caught Allison's attention, who was only half-asleep. She sprang up and ran in front of Remy. "Rem what's wrong?"

Remy didn't answer. She just stare the wall, Allison took her wrist and checked her pulse. She could feel her clammy skin. Her pulse was quick and very weak. Allison lay her down. Remy let Allison move her, she didn't react neither seem to understand what was going on. Instead of staring the wall, she now stared the roof. Allison took her face, she tried to make eye contact but Remy was like absent. "Honey look at me". Allison ran in the kitchen to take her phone and call for House while she came back and checked Remy's stomach. Maybe was it a reaction to the ab strain? She didn't think so but she had a look anyway. Remy's icy skin frightened Allison even more. When she pressed the painful area Remy didn't react. She covered her with a blanket. "House, come at Remy's" she hung up before he could add something, not wanting to deal with him now. "Remy you're safe… look at me.. come on. Remy slowly turned her head to look at Allison than stare the wall again. Allison grabbed another blanket in the living room and spread it on the first one, in order to keep Remy warmer. "Breath in baby… come on.. inhale from your nose.. a deep breath…. Do it!" Allison shook Remy's shoulder trying to catch her attention. Remy tried to focus but couldn't understand anything. Allison forced her to look at her. Remy could see a face breathing in and out in front of her. She tried to do the same. She imitated what she was seeing. Weekly at first, but realised she was feeling better and she took another deep breath. "You're doing fine… that's it… just go on" She heard a voice murmuring her. She felt a hand on her forehead. It was Allison. She felt safe. She closed her eyes. "That's good… just relax… you're ok"

"h.. yi.. he.." Allison could see Remy's lip moving, "I'm here baby". The blonde stroke Remy's hand delicately

With her eyes still closed she tried to repeat what she wanting to say first. "Hekillyou" she whispered. Her breath was hurting again and so did her stomach. Anxiety. Allison wasn't sure about what Remy said and decided not to answer it for now. She didn't want Remy to panic even more "It's over now"


End file.
